The Back Door Approach:

Parenting the Strong-Willed Child

I once heard a young couple comment about their strong-willed little girl, “We need to break her will.”  That did not set well with me!   Surely, this child will need a strong will in our world today.  What if we chose to channel it, rather than “break it?”  What if we could require obedience in a roundabout way?

Sometimes we butt heads with our strong-willed children.  But there doesn’t  need to be a constant power struggle.  We Moms can use a back door approach to require good behavior but without a head-on collision and without our feathers getting so ruffled!

Ideas Families Have Tried:

1. Require obedience, but back out of the power struggle.  Have a consequence firmly set, that needs no reminder.

I required a morning routine to be done each morning in my home, especially in the summertime.  But I did not want to nag my children to do it each day.  So, at the beginning of the summer, I would make a chart to record the days this morning routine was completed on time.  (I also allowed my kids to “Plead Diligence” if they had tried their best to complete it, but couldn’t complete it in time due to other early morning obligations or perhaps the piano had been occupied.  In such cases, they could finish and still count it.)  At the end of the summer, the chart determined the reward, in this case money towards school clothes and supplies.  I stepped out of the nagging role.  I simply required their routine be done before the kids could go somewhere else, and let the chart keep track.

My son had been firmly told that he must pick up all the Legos before lunch.  Everyone was sitting down to eat, but the Legos were not picked up.   I made no mention of the oversight, but calmly had the blessing with the kids and fixed the sandwiches.  However, after fixing this son’s peanut butter and jelly just the way he liked it, I calmly set it on top of the fridge.  “You may have it when the Legos are picked up.” Usually, he knew just what to go do before he could eat.  Being the strong-willed kid he was, this son might decide not to eat!  I didn’t stress over that either.  I knew he would get hungry, and that I could make sure he didn’t get himself something else from the fridge.  He would eventually pick the Legos up in order to eat.  However, I might come up with an extra good dessert that she gave all the other kids, as a greater incentive to him!

Suppose this child pulled a chair up to the fridge and started to climb up for his lunch?  “Yes, you may have your lunch,” I would calmly reply, “as soon as those Legos are picked up.”  In this way, I was firm but not giving too much attention to him for his misbehavior.  (See “Be a yes mom!” post)  If he persisted in his climb, I  would simply ask if he needed a greater consequence.  “Do I have to have you vacuum too before you can eat?”   This puts the choice in his lap, while still requiring the obedience.

2.Turn some things over to your son or daughter.

Our young teenaged daughter had recently acquired a cell phone, though for now, the phone was only used as an ipod (until her brother left on a mission in a year and freed up a spot on their family plan).  Mark and I told her, “We think you are old enough to make wise choices now, at 14.  We’re going to trust you with this.”  Mark did set up locks, filters, and parental controls on it, but still, occasionally I worried about improper use of the devise.  For example, the family had a firm rule about only using the internet in the family room, but I would sometimes catch her using it on her bed.   At first, after several infractions, I felt like taking away the phone!  I knew the dangers of the internet!  But then, I realized this was a great exercise for her daughter to learn some self-control.

I talked it over with Mark and we decided to ask this daughter to spell out her own Cell Phone Guidelines.  So I approached her about this, urging her to include when she would finish for the day, where she would place the phone, etc.  She returned with a list and both parents read it over and kept it.  She had included:  At 9:30pm, phone is placed in charging station; Can be used for running early, but cannot then be used before morning routine and goals; All internet in Family Room; etc.

A week or so went by, and I kept a watchful eye to see if the phone was in the charging station at night, etc.  Once, she thought it would be okay to take her phone to the basement when the cousins had a sleepover there.  So, I urged her to add to her list that exceptions needed to be OK’d by Mom or Dad first.  Things were going fine, but one day I saw this daughter playing a game on her phone.  I reminded her that games were only allowed on Fridays, and that this applied to phones too.  I asked her to add to her list the consequence for slipping up, that her Friday game time would be lost if she broke the rule.  It was effective to have the list be hers, and to calmly suggest she revise it if necessary.

Though we continued to check up on cell phone usage covertly all the time, we had her report overtly every week for a while.  And she would give a regular accounting at monthly interviews they already had set up, trading off between parents each month.  While giving her charge of her own phone, our goal was to give her the message that this was important and she must report on how well she was mastering the phone, rather than let it master her.

3. Give choices. Then really let them choose.

Children need to be able to use their God-given free agency, some children more than others!  So, we must let them whenever possible.  Within our set boundaries, we must give them as much freedom to try making choices and be coaxed into making good ones while still very young.  We must make sure that our boundaries are not too confining, or a child will fight them!  Almost anyone backed into a corner would want to fight!

Let them pick the timing, for example, “You must do your assignment from Dad, but you can decide whether to do it now or later this afternoon.  Remember, it must be done before we go swimming at 5.” Then you can leave it to them without nagging, but with no swimming if they didn’t do it:  “That was our deal!”

One son, age 5, had just missed the deadline for kindergarten and was home all day.  He had things he wanted to do (ie play with mom, eat a snack with mom, etc.), but I had things I needed to get done too.  So, we fell into a good routine.  I would make a list with what we both needed and wanted to do (he contributed to it), and he got to number it!  Though he usually chose Play and Eat as number one and two, I could usually go ahead and fit those in first.  I would tell him when I had a time frame for something I needed to do at a certain time.  We might make a fort together or get out a card game, giving him time and attention first, then later fit in what I needed to get done. This son came with me to my dance class–which he didn’t love to do!  But I made it bearable by bringing an encyclopedia along and 5 bookmarks, and challenging him to find 5 things that are amazing in this book.  It was an adventure each time, and he usually couldn’t wait to show me what I’d found.  By being a little creative, I could keep up with this energetic, smart kid, who had ideas of his own.

Everyone else is usually busy when I go grocery shopping on Saturdays, so I would need to bring my youngest along.  He usually enjoyed picking out the treats or getting a free sample.  But sometimes, he didn’t want to go.  I would explain, “I don’t like you to be alone.”  Most of the time, I just had to say, “OK, you don’t have to come, but I really wish you would.”  I would then walk away, get into the car even.  He would last minute decide to come.  One time, however, he wouldn’t budge, as he had a wonderful new book he was reading. “OK,” I relented to this 10-year old, “I’ll let you stay home, but you must call me every 15 minutes.  Set the timer, and make sure you call each time it rings, so I can check on you.”

It worked, but interrupting his reading was kind of a pain—which was good—so he wouldn’t choose that option very often!

Don’t give a Choice, however, when there is no choice.  Don’t say, “Would you like to wash up for dinner now?” if instead you mean, “It’s time to wash up for dinner now.”  (“But you can choose whether to wash your hands in the bathroom or the kitchen sink!:)

Never make spiritual things a source of contention.  Keep religious observation always positive, by giving all the choice possible and praise.  My friend—I’ll call her Sandy’s little girl–wouldn’t obey when her mom asked her to fold her arms for prayer.  Should Sandy require it?  I don’t think so.  I would suggest she answer her, “When you’re ready” and then proceed with the prayer whether or not she did.  Later, Sandy could watch for when she did it, and reinforce: “Good job folding your arms and bowing your head for prayer!  That shows Heavenly Father how much we love Him!” Choosing to fold arms and bow in prayer should be trained, exemplified, and praised, but left to the individual to decide.  Reverence, and Submission should not be forced, only taught, modeled, and reinforced.  If we force it, kids may fight it rather than embrace it.  We must bond good feelings with good things.

Sometimes, this little girl wouldn’t come to the table for family prayer, for example, but she called out from the Family Room, “I’m kneeling” and that was ok!  It was submitting a little and Sandy was going to take that, and not insist on perfection!

4. Give Challenges

Rather than giving requirements, consider giving challenges where you can.  It is a new way of looking at an opportunity to grow and comes with a choice as well.

When my oldest boys were cub scouts, I got the notion to challenge my 10-year old sons to earn every Webeloes pin available.  Not all are required, but these Cub Scout pins provided some great opportunities for my sons to stretch and learn new skills.  They took the challenge!  And in the process learned some new things, and filled up some time with new experiences.

Mark gave our kids a reading challenge.  Though the kids love to read, most of them choose almost exclusively to read fantasy and science fiction.  The challenge he gave them was to read a true book in between each fiction.  We explained to their kids the reason, and provided some good nonfiction choices, such as biographies, historical fiction, and a survivor series based on true events.  The prize was approval and praise, and plenty of discussion about the good books they read!

One of our boys loved to do a mind-stretching puzzle on my cell phone each day.  He was good at it, and didn’t miss a day doing his puzzle.  I took him aside one day and asked, “OK, which is more important:  stretching your mind or feeding your spirit?”  He knew what I was getting at, and answered that reading his scriptures was more important.  “I challenge you to read them first, before you do your daily puzzle,” was my reply.  Then, I told him how much I love to do crossword puzzles, but that I always make sure I have done my more important reading before I let myself do one.  Having given him this example and this challenge, I left him to manage it himself.  But if I ever saw him following his challenge and reading first, I praised him for his great choice!

5. Break a requirement into pieces.

Some bright kids are overwhelmed with a big assignment.  Spell out smaller increments. List them with a box to check off, if necessary.  Spelled out, they are much more doable, even possible.

My 11-year old daughter had a huge project due really soon.  But she kept putting it off!  A perfectionist, this daughter felt she couldn’t start it until she could do it right.  Besides, it was just too overwhelmingly big!  Mark and I were exasperated with her—even though we tried not to show it!  We decided that Mark would step out of the picture completely on this one, choosing to just love and interact with this daughter and leave the issue to me, thereby squelching the feeling of two against one.  I decided to sit down with her and spell it out on paper.  I asked her to spell out each step of getting this project done, and write it down.  Through this exercise, she was able to solidify just what she was going to do.  Next to each item, I placed a small box for her to check off when it was finished.  In the process, I found a few ways I could help (without doing the project myself) such as furnishing or collecting or purchasing supplies.  I could clear some things from this daughter’s busy schedule.  With everything listed and taped up, and this jump start and show of support, she could and did take over and conquer it.  On time even!  Phew!

One bright young son was totally overwhelmed with cleaning his room alone!  It was just too big of a disaster!  So I learned to give him one task at a time.  “Go and pick up three big things and put them away,” I would tell him, “then come back and slap my hand.”  He could handle that much!  Next, I might say, “OK, now pick up anything that doesn’t belong on your bed and put it away, then come slap my hand.”   “If you don’t know where something goes, come and ask me,” I would also reassure.  Little by little, he got his disastrous room under control!

6. Avoid Singling Out, by addressing the group.

Some kids crumble when they are confronted and reprimanded, and get defensive rather than repentant.  Better to talk to the whole family group, than to single out the one needing the reprimand, such as:

“It really bothers me to have dirty socks left out in the family room.  There are to be no socks left around, except inside your shoes by the door.  Would everyone please work on that?  If I see them around, I will charge the owner a quarter.”  (Family Home Evening is a great time to address the group rather than single out a lone offender).

Or “Thanks to all who took over their dishes from the table to the sink, rinsed them, and stacked them!”

Or “Everyone needs to pick up 7 things…. Whoever has not started picking up their 7 things must now pick up 8.”  No one is singled out for a reprimand, but there is still be consistent follow through.

Conversely, “Did you leave the towel on the floor when I asked you not to do that?!” can be confrontational.  Bright children get busy doing an experiment in the bathtub or coming up with a plan in their head of what they will build next.  For some children, it is better to use a backdoor approach, “Whoever left the towel on the floor needs to come pick it up.”

Likely, this child was not being belligerent, but just forgot.  They likely got caught up in a daydream about sailing!  But if we tell them how forgetful and disobedient they are, those labels will hurt self-esteem.  We want our children to grow up knowing how bright and smart they are, rather than being weighed down with their faults.   Using a backdoor approach, we can require obedience, but keep a good self-esteem intact.

There is definitely a time to be Straightforward, but a wise parent will also realize there is a time to back in.  This approach is not cowering or giving in, it is rather requiring obedience without coercion or contention.

Please comment below with your ideas. Part Two coming next!