In Adoptive Families
Babies begin to develop attachment even before they are born. [i] Attachment is a special connection between the baby and their mother (and also their father, or caregiver), which affects the development of the baby’s brain. It is these “bonding,” moments, which may include speaking to, singing to, touching, playing with, and looking into baby’s eyes, etc. which trigger their brain to start wiring up and making connections, and the baby to start developing normally. The critical window[ii] for this attachment to happen starts before age 12 months until age 3.
But what about babies that don’t have that initial bonding? What if a baby cannot be with their parent after birth, perhaps due to drug addiction or illness? What if poverty or abandonment keeps a baby from bonding with an adult? In short, what if a baby’s attachment is disrupted or neglected?
Adoption is a wonderful way to provide stability and a family for an at-risk child. However, some children still may struggle from insufficient or faulty attachment during the critical period. Here are some stories and strategies for healing disrupted or neglected attachment:
Peter was sent to an orphanage early in his life. It was a crowded orphanage in Eastern Europe, and although he was fed and changed, Peter was not held much. He did not look into an adult’s eyes, nor hear a lullaby, nor feel a soothing ride in a rocking chair. A couple of years later, Peter was adopted, and finally had a family of his own! But symptoms from his lack of attachment started to show. Peter was developmentally delayed. He started lashing out at times, creating havoc in the home, and sometimes even danger for his siblings. Angry outbursts would come “out of nowhere.” Professionals affirmed that these were symptoms of R.A.D.—Reactive Attachment Disorder missing attachment. **
Natasha clung to her mama constantly. She had trouble feeling secure, and experienced anxiety about feeling love. “Do you love me?” she would ask her adoptive mother many times every day. There was no place for the answer to “go,” since the wiring in her brain was faulty, which heightened her insecurity.**
Children who have faulty or nonexistent attachment will suffer with forming relationships and feeling secure for the rest of their lives.[i] How can an adoptive family fill in the gaps and repair needed attachment to give their new child a secure and normal live? Even if it is late, there are many ways to help repair needed Attachment.
Ideas for Healing Attachment
Adoption Language. All adopted children grieve the loss of their biological family and heritage. Parents can help children express needs by being comfortable using adoption language, such as “birth parents” and “birth family,” when talking about their biological family.”[i] 1. Steven felt sad when he thought about his birth parents and former siblings. He loved it when his new mom and dad talked about his birth mother and birth family. It made it easier to know which family they were talking about. 2. At times Nora wanted to talk about her birth family or even cry from missing them, and she was glad her adoptive family understood, and comforted her.
(panel 1)
Claiming. When you show that you claim your adopted child,itmakes them—and everyone else—know for sure they are yours! 1. Kelli’s mom put her new daughter’s picture on the fridge. Her dad put one in his wallet. 2. Mr. and Mrs. Carter stand close to their new son Josh and make him feel he belongs to them. They introduce their new son with pride: “This Is our son!” Their family pictures display him front and center, and they exhibit the pictures in prominent places.
Play Therapy. Using their imagination during play can help a child see their situation from an outside lens. Games help children solve puzzles, deal with loss, and try new things. They make decisions and gather objects. 1. Miranda could forget her own hurts when she became a princess playing in dress up clothes. She loved going on adventures behind the couch with Zuzu her comfort toy. Zuzu could participate in things Miranda made up in her head—hard things like the first day at a new school or knowing what to say to a pretend friend at recess. 2. Chad loved racing around the game board to try to get to the finish line despite setbacks or low cards. He liked playing games often. They allowed him to come up with strategies, and stick it out to the end—even if he wasn’t winning. His mom helped remind him that he would lose sometimes and win other times, while doing things with his new siblings.
Rituals. Mark special dates with rituals, fun and laughter, and good food! Do it every year. 1. Marci’s family remembers the day they first met her with a special dinner and a family video of the events. Daniel’s adoptive family loves to celebrate the day he first became theirs with a party. On this milestone, every year they eat his favorite food and go to their favorite park for a picnic, and eat his favorite food. Then they all get on pajamas and pop popcorn for his favorite movie.
Hugs and Kisses and Healthy Touch. 1. Brandon loved it when mom rubbed his back for a few minutes every morning at the breakfast table. He laughed whenever Dad gave him such a bear hug that it lifted him off his feet. The loving touch made him feel like he was okay and that his adoptive family really loved him. Brandon lived for the times that Dad would wrestle him on the family room floor or arm wrestle him on the counter. 2. Sara would curl up in Mom’s lap whenever they watched a movie. She loved it so much, she didn’t even move away for a snack! She loved dad’s kisses even when his whiskers poked a little! Sara made sure she kissed each member of the family and the dog every night before bed.
Tell and Retell the Story of your child’s Adoption. 1, Mari loved hearing her own adoption story to help her remember her birth family, then feel again how much her new Mom and Dad wanted and loved her. Mari also could again get a handle on why her birth parents didn’t keep her. 2. Brent liked going back over his story too. Each telling helped him make a little more sense of his former life and be grateful for his new life. It helped him know that his new family accepted him just as he is. Children especially love a “life book” with pictures and written remembrances of before and after adoption.
Structure: Schedules and Boundaries bring your child the security of a regular routine. 1. Nellie knew she could count on a bedtime story every night after she brushed her teeth and hugged Daddy good night. Mommy always sat close to her, read her favorite story, and sang a lullaby after prayers. Nellie knew that Wednesdays were library days and Fridays were park days. She always sat at the same place next to Daddy, and was allowed let Snickers, the dog, lie down under her chair while they ate. She felt secure that these things were not going to change. 2. Ethan didn’t like his curfew, but he knew he needed it. Though he complained, having a regular time to be home and do the nighttime routines with his family was important for his security.
Storytelling 1. T.J. had some difficult times before he was adopted, and whenever he needed to calm his anger that was leftover from those hard days, Dad helped him retell any part of the story he needed to talk about. Dad would listen, and ask some questions, then coax TJ to finish the story about when he came to their house and had a new family. 2. Sometimes Carlee’s bedtime story needed to be about a totally different child, of a different age, place to live, and gender, so she wouldn’t take personally the details and morals of the story. Carlee’s mom even started telling her about a little raccoon who learned a hard lesson, or a hummingbird who told a lie and was miserable, but then felt so good when she told the truth. Masked in a character, the lesson could be learned without her feeling defensive.
(panel 3) Creative Parenting: Consequences to misbehavior are better than punishments and explaining that rules help us be safe and happy are better than just requiring obedience. 1. Consistency with the rules and consequences help all involved to dissapate anger and stay calm. Danny had trouble sleeping at night, so his Mom often made an exception to his bedtime, allowing him to listen to books on tape or calming music to help him sleep. This kept Danny from the bad dreams he used to have. 2. Hazel knew she had to follow the rules or pay the consequences, but she was so grateful when occasionally, Dad or Mom would make an exception when something came up. She was so grateful they understood and listened to her at such times. Calling it an exception kept the rules in place for the rest of the time. A soft pet to stroke was another creative way to help heal Hazel’s insecurities and fears.
Laughter: 1. Belle loved it when her mom told her something funny she did that day or her dad told a joke. It helped to laugh heartily, and forget the tough things for a little while. Belle insisted that her socks be folded in a specific way and placed carefully in their spot. She had so little control over her life, that this was one thing she insisted be consistent—even though they all laughed about her silly sock parameters! 2. Sometimes when Cal wanted to be controlling, Dad would come up with a distraction, such as something crazy outside or a silly song. He might take him on a horsey ride, or make funny faces until he laughed so hard, he forgot his current perceived need to be in control of that family situation.
Music Therapy. Music can heal attachment issues in many ways. It can help rebuild relationships, lessen stress and lighten moods. It can enhance communication skills and build coping skills, as partners listen or make music together. Music is a tool to help those of all ages face difficult life circumstances.[ii]
1. Jake got to go to a community center and learn to play the guitar with a counselor there. He loved the challenge of learning new skills on the drums and on the piano. After learning more and more about music, he was able to write a song, to deal with his former abandonment and neglect, “Oh, Give me a Home where I’m never alone. . .” were the lyrics he came up with to express his hurtful past.[iii] 2. The Ramirez family found that their daughter would relax from her anxieties when they played soothing music for her, especially right before bed.
Skin to Skin. 1. When Eric and Kate adopted a baby at three days old, they tried to find ways to give their new baby boy some skin-to-skin time. It was different than her older biological child, since she couldn’t nurse this one. When Eric or Kate took showers proved to be ideal time to touch. One parent would hand into the other parent in the shower, and wait outside with a dry towel. The parent in the shower gave their baby a warm shower and time against their skin, until they were ready to hand him back out.
2. From the time Daisy was little, she loved to go to Grandma’s and join her on the couch. Daisy would lay on her tummy across the sofa with her head on Grandma’s lap. She loved it that Grandma would stroke her hair and scratch her back and chat with her for awhile. When Daisy grew to be a tall young lady, she still made time—whenever she needed it, to go lie on Grandma’s sofa and get the reassuring touch that was full of love and touch.
Minimize Distractions. Some adopted children do not feel loved and reassured simply because there are too many distractions. There is so much going on around them, from sun up to sun down, that they miss the expressions of love and peace. 1.Andy could not handle all that went on at once in Sunday School class. There was the singing and the visual aids and the other kids—and just too much input at once! A wise teacher realized his dilemma and brought head phones for Andy to place on his head. There in his spot, he listened to Bible Stories, so content since he could tune out the rest. 2. Penny’s mom used nighttime to quiet all distractions and spend some time with her little girl—just the two of them. Mom took Penny on her lap and had her close her eyes and listen to the story and the lullaby, to quiet her down. Mom whispered her love to Penny and let her spend the uninterrupted time she needed being held tight and loved.
Repetition and Reassurance. When changes to family routine or daily activities are coming—even simple changes—be prepared to explain over and over and to reassure.[i] 1. Carter felt like he had no control over his losing his biological family and moving to another. So when other changes happen, he is anxious, and cannot fall asleep. It helps when his new mom or dad reassure—many times a day– why the change is happening and that Carter will get used to it and be just fine. 2 Tess lived with multiple foster families before she was adopted. With so much change, she feels anxious whenever there is any change in routine or change of plans. 2. Tess gets through it best when mom or dad also explain the new plan many times, and help her through it. She is so grateful for their patience and support. It took months and years of trying different ideas and strategies, but her parents worked with her patiently. And Tess grew to be able to give and receive in loving relationships more and more.
Plan for Permanence. 1. Grayson was 11 when he joined is new adopted family. He had experienced many homes in his journey to adoption, and now he longed to stay put. When his adoptive family talked about being a family forever, he was comforted and hopeful. Being a “forever family” was just what Grayson had wanted and had hoped for, and with this mindset, the family could get through the hurdles along the way, with an ever-present underlying goal of forever.[ii] 2. Evie was taken away from her mother at birth, due to drug abuse, and sent to live with a distant relative who did not pick her up or talk to her. When Evie was adopted a several years later, she was deficient in her development. Although she had missed the critical period for attachment, her parents did not give up. Evie wanted this family to work out—and that desire was a good place to start. She was able to get some help from therapy, and even medication for a time. Evie’s new parents worked with her patiently. By using these strategies, and with lots of patience, Tess grew in attachment and security. It all started with her deep desire.[iii]
It can be tough when your adopted child has missing attachment, and perhaps baggage from the past the weighs them down. Sometimes this affects a child’s security, and sometimes it may cause angry outbursts. Disruptive attachment can affect relationships up to adulthood, so all your efforts to repair faulty attachment are invaluable. Gather a support group of family and friends who understand and will help you through the tough times. Keep your marriage strong and healthy by not allowing triangulation (when the child pits one parent against another).Though there may come a need for professional family therapy, there is much you can do at home, that will shower love in many different ways.
You are Super, Mom and Dad!! And don’t you forget it!
Sources:
[ii] Personal conversation and interview
[iii] Ibid.
Illustrations by Ayrith-Eden Reed.
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Personal conversation and interviews
[i] Baxter, C. (2001). Understanding adoption: A developmental approach. Pediatrics and Child Health, 6(5), 281-283.
[ii] Ibid.
[iii] Burkhardt-Manor, K. (1996). Music Therapy and Attachment Disorder: A case study. Music therapy perspectives, 14 (2). 77-82. https://doi.org/10.1093/mtp/14.2.77.
[i] Ibid.
[i] Levy, and Orlans (2000).Handbook of attachment interventions. American Journal of Family Therapy.
[ii] Crain, W. (2016), Theories of development. Routledge.