Fussing #1 Attention
What do we want? Happy Children!
Fussing or pouting really disrupts the family, and drains a parent’s energy! How we love it when kids go around humming or smiling! What can we do to coax a grumpy child back to his happy self?
My Favorite Idea:
1—Make a Rule. It was tough, when I had a house full of kids, to have one or two of them be fussy. It brought all the rest of us down. When we were putting together a list of family rules, that we put to song, it was my husband’s idea to add the rule that had been developing in our family: “If we fuss, we go out, til we can be happy!” That solidified it, and soon, our kids knew for certain that there was to be No Fussing in the family room or kitchen, or wherever we were.
Daddy or I would simply repeat the rule to the fussing one. It was usually the laundry room where he went—not far away, but close enough to keep an ear out for mischief. Our attention was turned to the other family members and what we were doing. The child, feeling obstinate might come right out immediately, not wanting to be in there! “Oh Good!” I would respond when a little later, I noticed her, “You can be happy now! Come join us!” But if the fussing started up again, she had to go out again.
Sometimes a fussy child refused to go out. Then, trying to give the least amount of attention possible, I escorted the child out. “Hurry back when you can be happy” was my response. It might take several times, but eventually, the message got across, and the rule worked. In fact, fussing would turn to forced smiles to prevent having to leave. Or, a child who really needed a rest for a little while, would wait a few minutes, there amidst the laundry, to decide to be happy. After a season of doing this consistently, the child will learn that this is how we act in our family. Don’t give up too soon!
The principle is that we accentuate the positive. In fact, experts say to increase the praise by 10x and decrease the scolding by 10x. So most of our attention goes to those being happy, and the activity at hand. And a shower of attention upon the child when she is finally trying to be happy!
2–Ignore! Sometimes children get into the habit of fussing for no reason at all except to get Mom’s attention. When all physical reasons have been ruled out, a Mom is wise to ignore the fussing and thus extinguish it.
As a teenager, I wondered if my mother missed a lot of what was going on in the family! But when I grew up, I realized that my mother had been purposely ignoring many things all along! She had known exactly what was happening, but chose to ignore it, to let things work out, and to focus instead on the positive. My admiration for my mom grew as she realized that she had perfected the art of Ignoring.
I then chose to ignore many things in her home as well. The relatively insignificant. The things that would lower self-esteem if pointed out. These gave children a chance to work things out and try a better choice. THEN, when the positive came out, I would point THAT out, and the positive action or trait would be emphasized in her child’s mind, and the negative would be swept by the wayside. When my young son (who had been taught not to) picked his nose, for example, I ignored. But when he later grabbed a Kleenex, I exclaimed, “Son, I am so glad that you chose to use a Kleenex! That is so much cleaner, since the germs don’t stay on your hand! You are a clean person, huh! Good job!” In his mind was cemented the idea, that his choice was to use a kleenex. I tried to wait until he and his brother WERE playing nice (ignoring minor spats), and then praise them up and down for how well they were getting along! “Yes, we are getting along. We do like each other!” is what I want to go through their minds.
3—Remove the toy!
If the fussing is over a toy or other belonging, it sometimes must be removed temporarily. Nothing has to be said, or just “Work it out!”
Many objects were banished to the top of the refrigerator for awhile, so nobody got it, if there was not an immediate solution to a struggle over it. The object stayed up high, in sight but out of reach, as a consequence for fussing rather than working out a solution. Later on, when emotions were not so high, a plan could be figured out, and lessons in sharing or respecting someone else’s possessions could be taught. Then the toy could be retrieved and the plan could be put into action. But I had to deal with the fussing first, in order to keep the family sane!
4–Help kids to see the “glass half full!”
Make it a game to find “Donuts” rather than “Holes.” List for them some blessings of that day, and some advantages of what has happened! For example, a pouting child may have had to miss a birthday party, but isn’t he glad he enjoyed time with his cousins and they will be friends for the rest of his life!
One of my children especially dragged his feet when it was time to go to school. He’d even beg to stay home that day! I would encourage him to go and find “donuts” that day! “Try to find ten,” I’d call as he finally went out the door. And then, when this son got home, I’d remember to ask. He would tell her about how he had turned his lunch sack into a sculpture at lunch, or that he had liked playing soccer at recess. He told her about helping the boy next to him, who was having trouble understanding the directions, or something cool he found on the way home. I tried to save up “donuts” from her day to share with him as well, and later told some of his to Daddy!
5—Use incentives.
My Dad used to launch a Happy Contest for a certain amount of time. He gave a prize to all who tried to be happy!
My daughter and son-in-law were having a time with their young kids fussing and whining all the time, so she decided on a plan. She took three sheets of paper for her three children and let them (the older two) cut out a picture of an ice cream cone to put at the top. Then she drew a path to it. She hung the papers in different places throughout the room, so that the kids would not be in competition with each other. Then she explained her plan, and set the timer for 15 minutes. If everyone could refrain from any fussing or whining for the entire time, they would earn a sticker. Miranda found that she had to “tweek the timer” on occasion, to make it ring right after someone had fussed, so that they would remember, and it wouldn’t be too much attention on the negative in trying to remind the child that he had indeed fussed.
But the whole family worked at it for three days to finally make it to the top. And they had a nice ice cream party in the park to celebrate! It was a glorious time together. The problem was, that the very next day, there was fussing again. It hadn’t been enough time to really break the habit. Miranda determined to start again, with different stickers. She would not have quite so many, this time, as 50 stickers had been a stretch for her little 2 ½ and 4 year old. She would simplify and continue until the habit was broken. And in the process have happy times with her family.
Ideas that worked well for you? Please comment with your good idea or experience with this topic.