Talking to Teenagers #1 The “Loose Brick”
We want to get closer to our teenager, and be able to talk together. We want to grow in our trust, so they will come to us for council and questions. But how?
1.Be a Parent.
Set guidelines, limits, rules. Avoid being a chum. During the growing up years when your child is in your home, he does not need another buddy. He desperately needs a parent, even if it means that he has someone (you) to blame for the things he cannot do with his friends. Be friendly, but don’t try to be popular with him and his friends. He needs boundaries that are not too strict, not too lenient. Prayerfully decide as a couple, and as a family, and write down family rules and curfews.
The key is to also express love and concern, while holding firm boundaries. “I love you enough to want to guard and protect you, and keep you safe,” should be the message you always give, with the limits. “I am also willing to sacrifice my time and comfort to help you be safe.”
One of my daughters would often asked me, “Mom, would you tell me that I can’t go to this get-together tonight? I have a paper due tomorrow.” I would then respond as directed: “I’m sorry, but you may not go to the get-together tonight, since you’d better get your homework done.” Sometimes, this same daughter would ask me, “Mom, tell me I can’t wear this top.” Or even, “Mom, tell me that I have to go to bed right now.” It was a little bit comical, but really, she was using good judgment, but still needed boundaries that I could provide.
My Favorite Idea:
2. Find Common Ground.
Find an opening in the Wall that teenagers sometimes put up. Actually, this is not my idea, but a wonderful article I found about connecting with teenagers. When there is a figurative brick wall that is between you and your teenager, writes Brad Wilcox, expert in working with young people, you must “find the Loose Brick.” Figure out something that you and your teenager have in common, be it skiing, cooking, shopping, art, even the same TV show, or the same book, and use that to gradually tear down the wall and build an open relationship. A dream of theirs, a skill they want to acquire, an interest, such as motorcycles, sports, food, computers, horses, guitars, skateboards, journal writing are more possible common interests. Do that thing together, talk about something new in that field, or even talk of happy memories of doing that together. Use it as a springboard to a new positive conversation. https://www.lds.org/ensign/1995/09/can-your-child-really-talk-to-you?lang=eng
I was sitting at the sewing machine one Saturday afternoon fixing something, while my daughter was in the room folding clothes. She had saved up her chores all week, and therefore, had a lot to fold, and was frustrated about it! I felt bad for her and looked for something to talk about, to get her mind off the mundane chore. What did we have in common? I started to tell her the plot from a girlie movie I had just seen, in minute detail, and my evaluation of it. She loved it, and when I was done, she told me the plot from the book she’d just read! We found a common love! (That afternoon is one of my favorite memories!)
Other children have responded to my interest in their current subject matter at school, my offering to edit for them, my accompanying them on the piano. One son likes it when I use his expertise in electronics. Another son who lives away from home connects with me at the grocery store, asking for advice on how much or what kind of thing to buy. Other times, when I am at a loss, the Spirit helps me come up with common ground, to make a connection with my teenagers.
Ideas Families have Tried:
3. Listen. Truly listen.
Then Listen even longer, until your child is done talking. Then ask questions so he will talk longer.
–perhaps go to a different place to talk and listen, one that is free of past baggage, or negative conversations.
–perhaps talking with one parent would be more effective than with both, as she may feel outnumbered.
–invent “necessary” car rides, just you and he, in which there are no distractions.
Ask questions and truly listen. Make sure the questions are not leading questions, ones that you already know the answer. Open-ended questions, in which there are no right answers, are the best, that send the message: I really want to know how you feel. Be careful to be sincere in tone of voice and wording, avoiding sarcasm completely.
4. Stay Calm, especially your Voice.
A quiet response will be so much more effective than a loud one, especially if it is void of all sarcasm. State the facts and show concern. Let unkind remarks just die, and not get to you. A “soft answer turneth away wrath.” Proverbs 15:1 Make sure your answers to not belittle or blame. Avoid criticism, since criticism makes love die. Do not bring up past mistakes, but forgive. Guide and teach truth, rather than be critical.
I watched my younger sister go through a serious problem with her throat that required surgery. Afterward, for quite a while, this sister had little or no use of her voice, and was required to speak only in whispers. But what I was surprised to observe was that this sisters’ 6 active children also began to be soft spoken. The tone in their home was peaceful. It was remarkable for me to watch, but it reinforced the idea that children learn what the live and learn the most from example.
At one season, I found that the times when I was reading the Scriptures regularly, even if it were only a small portion every day, those were the times when I had the power over my reactions. My responses to my kids were better, because I had been given the gift of a minute to compose them. In that minute, the Holy Ghost could remind me of my love for that child, even though they might be exasperating at the moment. So even when frustrated, with this extra second, my responses to my children came out kinder. In the scriptures, I came across 2 Nephi 26:16, in which “he (Mormon) was given power that he may whisper.” Power to whisper! It was indeed what a busy mom in a hectic day needs, help to “lower our voices a few decibels,” as President Hinckley counseled. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2002/10/each-a-better-person?lang=eng
Resist the tendency to overreact.
A professional counselor asked one mother, “Suppose your son came home and said, ‘I have a friend who is taking drugs.’ What would you say to him?” The mother paused for a moment and then said, “I’d probably tell him to find another friend.” This mother may have missed an important opportunity with her son. When a child tells you about “my friend’s problem,” there is a possibility that your child is struggling with a similar one. Young people drop hints to test our reactions. If we are hasty, harsh, and judgmental, our children may not want to open up any further. Wilcox, Sept. 1995
Rather than being emotional, we must teach truth and help our teenagers see the long term consequences for poor choices.
Resist the tendency to respond sarcastically. “The negative effect of using sarcasm is that people can’t then share tender feelings for fear that you will be sarcastic with them.” says educator and clergyman Scott Rapier. We want our teenagers to feel like they can open up to us. Sarcasm will block that. Even if your teenager speaks sarcastically to you, respond in a sincere, adult voice that builds relationships.
5. Apologize. Tell your child you are sorry for past conversations that didn’t work out well. We as parents are learning too, and sometimes make mistakes. We must model repentance.
I have learned that when I apologized sincerely, the mood softened. I learned to avoid comparing one child to another, but to communicate that I valued each for who they were, regardless of what mistakes they have made. Saying “I’m sorry” is a good heart softener, I discovered, and I would use this idea even if I didn’t think I was really very much at fault. I might say “I’m sorry I have upset you,” or “I’m sorry we are at odds.” Or “You’re right, I haven’t been very good at ___.” This approach helped bitterness to melt.
Ideas that worked well for you? Please comment below.