Hitting #1 Substitute

Kids can get really frustrated. Something has gone desperately wrong, and must change! So what do they do about it? Many chose to hit—hit the child with the toy they want, hit the one who’s in the way, hit Mommy, even hit the baby! How do we direct them away from this response? How do we help a child deal with his frustration and anger appropriately, and develop self-control?

Ideas Families have Tried:

1. Establish a firm Family Rule: “We don’t hit in this home.”

A positive way to put that is to “Be Soft!” (Say the second one at least twice as often as the first!) Many a toddler’s first real exposure to another child in her way is the new baby that encroached on her territory! So showing the child how to stroke gently is a good beginning to teaching appropriate touch.

We came up with a little jingle to sing our family rules, put to a tune we knew. Mark and I sang the rules with the kids at family night. We also sang them when a child needed reminding to follow one. It was a good way to get these things into our children’s minds, to help teach them when a conflict occurred. We talked together about what we wanted to include in our rules: Honoring parents, Telling the Truth, the Golden Rule, etc. And among our rules was “Be Soft.” Our rule song helped establish what was acceptable in their home.

2. Remove examples of hitting.

Don’t let models of physical aggression be played before your young kids. Watch carefully what movies or TV they watch. If they do see aggressive behavior, talk it through with them that that was not okay! We don’t do that in our family! Don’t think it is obvious to them. In fact, if we say nothing, they might conclude that this behavior is okay to us.

We parents need to beware that slapping, or spanking our children is an example of hitting. The child learns the most from what we do: “What you are doing speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you are saying.”

Some couples disagree with each other about how to discipline their kids. One of them may feel strongly that they should never spank their kids nor physically hurt them in any way. But the other was perhaps raised with spankings and so feels that they are appropriate on occasion. So they can simply agree to disagree on this point, and so their children at least have the consistency of one parent doing it one way and the other another. It isn’t ideal consistency, but it keeps down contention in the home. Further, the parent who spanks could work to always be in control and try hard to never spank in anger. “I’m going to have to spank you to teach you not to do this,” is a good prelude to the spank. (And gradually that parent may come to realize how ironic it was to spank as discipline for hitting!)

My Favorite Idea:

3. Give child words to say.

If we want our children to talk things out instead of being aggressive, we ought to give them the words to say. Phrases to use are tools for changing their response. Tell your child:

“Say, ‘I would like to have a turn with that car when you’re done.’ ”

“Try saying, ‘That is bothering me. Would you please stop?’ ”

“Just explain, ‘I am really frustrated about this! Let’s figure this out!’ ”

4. Keep your child busy.

Find good things for her to do with excess energy.

My Japanese friend would take her little girl’s hands in hers and tell her, “See these hands? They must not hit. They are for doing good things!”

I discovered that her some of my children had extremely sharp, creative minds, that needed plenty to focus on. They simply could not stand to be bored!  So I collected different kinds of puzzles and mind games. I let them experiment in the sink and tub trying out different “principles of chemistry.” Or outdoors with the rocks and mud. Whenever they wanted to use string or tape or foam or any craft or household item in a creative way, I went to the second-hand store for different kinds of building blocks or bricks. I counted it as an investment in a happy, busy child. And these kids were never happier than when they were creating something. However, if they were idle, this was when they would much more likely have contention with siblings.

5. Praise your child for the good things they are doing.

Point out the pretty design they made or the tower she built. Praise them when they are playing nicely. Make it a big deal when they share. (Be sure to mention it to Daddy or Grandma!) Instead of only noticing when they are misbehaving or hitting, point out the times when they handled a problem well.

Fashion and preserve your child’s Self-Concept—how he sees himself. If Tom is told he is a bad boy, that is how he thinks of himself. It he is told, “You always hit!” his mind tells him that he is a person who hits. He can grow up believing that this is simply who he is. Work hard to plant in his mind that he is a good boy, with many abilities and strengths and that he is learning to control himself.  If Susie is told she is such a kind and caring person, and it is confirmed by praise for the times she shares or helps, that is what she will grow to become.

Please Comment: I would love to hear your good idea or experience with this topic. Or your question. Next post is more about hitting. What is your best solution?