Hitting #2: Why

Ideas Families Have Tried:

1. Figure out why your child is lashing out.

Does your child have too much energy? Add more outside time to his day. Try removing a nap. Acquire a trampoline or roller skates or a basketball hoop. Take him regularly to the park.

Is your child getting sick? If she is acting much differently than normal, it could be sickness coming on. Treat that appropriately with fluids and rest and distraction.

Is there a Stressful situation that is hard for your child to manage? A new baby. Something troubling he encountered at school. A move. A parent out of work. Death of a loved one. He may not know why he so much tension has build up and overflowed into hitting. Take him on your lap or on a drive or next to you on your bed and talk things over. Explain in words he can understand. Ask loving questions to really understand. “Are you feeling angry? Tell me about it.” Pray together.

Urge your child to talk to you about anything that comes up that may bother him. When a child can learn to recognize his emotions, he can deal with them better. He can use the tools you give him, such as the words you put in his mouth (see Hitting #1) and the examples you provide.

My Favorite Idea:

2. Remove the Object.

Many times, hitting occurs over a toy or an object that two children want at the same time. Removing the object for a time can solve the tension immediately, if temporarily.

I learned to take a toy that was being fought over and place it on top of the fridge. The toy stayed there until the kids had settled down, and were ready to talk about sharing it. After a time or two of explaining to my kids that neither of them could play with it right now, because hitting is not allowed, and we must learn to talk things out. Later on, I could get the toy down and let them try again. But sometimes the object might have to go back on the fridge and remain there for a long stretch!

Early in my mothering,I had twin sons and they always wanted the same toy! Sometimes, there were two identical objects that both had received for their birthday or Christmas, but most of the time there weren’t. In fact, even if there were two items, one was usually lost or broken or unavailable. My twins simply had to learn to share! I started giving the toy to one toddler brother, gently holding the other toddler back and counting slowly to ten. I would emphasize each number with her voice in a certain way, then when I hit ten, emphasize it with a closing tone. So even when they didn’t know how to count yet, the boys recognized when the counting was over. I had to be very patient. For the first 15 or 20 times of counting to ten, the one who was not holding the toy would cry and struggle. But with time, he learned that his turn was coming! The one who had the toy learned too, that his turn would be up. Thankfully, the brothers gradually learned to share, and saved the peace in that home. And I had found a tool that worked for other children as well.

3. Shower Attention upon Non-hitters.

Lavish praise on them, while ignoring the one that hit.

When my daughter had a problem with one of her young children hitting, she knew she must do something. Hitting was NOT allowed in her home, she wanted to emphasize to her young “Sara.” But she hesitated to spank, for that was hitting! Time Out simply did not work anymore, and had turned into a game. This particular child of hers seemed to be crying for attention, and she didn’t want to give it to Sara—even negative attention—for doing something wrong. After making this dilemma a matter of prayer, she decided to reward the non-hitters, her two younger boys. The kids all loved going outside, so she resolved that whenever Sara began to hit, she would immediately scoot the two boys outside, and begin something fun, such as bubbles. She would shower them with attention, while Sara would remain indoors. Later, when Sara was done with all hitting and was ready, she could join them.

My daughter knew that it was ideal for Sara to choose when she was ready to “be good”, rather than to herself pick the time for Sara to come back. Still, she didn’t want Sara to get a lot of attention about deciding when she was ready, or going back and forth, should she hit again! She determined to continue bestowing a lot of attention on the little boys, and practically ignore Sara. Later on, when Sara had settled down and done something good, my daughter would take her on her lap and praise her for the good things she was doing. If necessary, she would briefly but firmly remind her that in our home, we don’t hit, “so good job for not hitting now.”

Whenever her son hit another child, another daughter of mine would go straight to the victim: “Were you hurt? I’m so sorry you got hit! How can I make you feel better?” She would totally ignore her little son and give full attention to the victim by sitting next to them, finding them a toy, reading them a story. She might even take this one aside and find them a snack or talk to them. What this did was to help her child see an example of compassion and not give her child any negative attention. Her child’s hitting was ineffective—it did not bring the desired attention, nor get her what she wanted. Later on, she did pour on the praise when she caught her own son doing something kind or right, or even not hitting for awhile! “Good job, Son! You are playing nicely now!”

Praise those who did not hit. Notice whenever someone works things out in a positive way, and point it out with praise.

However, avoid negative comparisons. Saying, “Noah doesn’t hit, why can’t you be like him?” is NOT a good teaching method. It hurts self-esteem and brings resentment. Instead, “Noah, I noticed that you were able to talk about your feelings and work things out smoothly. Good job, Noah!”

A child loves to hear his own name, so save it for times of praising, and don’t use it when you have to reprove. “You may not hit” and “Josie, you did so well sharing that toy!”

4. Teach Kindness.

• Sing songs about Kindness. Music gets to the brain a different way than just words, so use songs to get through to your child.

“I want to be kind to everyone, for that is right, you see.

“So I say to myself, Remember this:  Kindness Begins with me.”

www.lds.org/music/library/childrens-songbook/kindness-begins-with-me?lang=eng

• Tell bedtime stories about children who were kind.
• Model kindness. “That little boy dropped his shovel. Let’s be kind and pick it up for him.” “Oh look, Joshua is crying. Let’s help him not be sad.”

5. Teach about Jesus.

He was so kind. We want to be like Him.

In the temple, Jesus needed to clear the things away that didn’t belong it the temple. Can you imagine animals and money changers in the temple? He must have been angry. But He took time to braid a rope and decide what he would do. He drove out the animals, but He didn’t hurt any people or any animals. Let’s be like Jesus, so we can live with Him someday.

And when we do things the right way, we feel good inside.

Thanks for sharing any suggestions about what to do when a child hits by commenting below.