Two Little Lovers, sittin’ in a Tree: One is Mom and the other, Daddy!

Happy Couple

Two little Lovers, sittin’ in a Tree! Can your kids see that you and your spouse are lovers? Show them! Make it obvious, by your affection and goodness to each other. It’s the best deterrent to troubling lifestyles, to see good ones, for many agree that a happy normal home is the greatest deterrent to pornography and promiscuity.

What’s more, children are more stable and better adjusted if they live with an example of a happily married Mommy and Daddy! Actually, there is no better gift to give your children, than a model of a happy marriage.  Not that it must be perfect, but a home where there is love and affection, caring and respect, kindness and joy. “The best way to love your children is to love their mother [father]” The quality of your marriage greatly affects the way you relate to your children—and the way they receive love.  If your marriage is healthy—both partners treating each other with kindness, respect, and integrity—you and your spouse will feel and act as partners in parenting.  (Ross and Campbell.  The Five Love Languages of Children.)

It’s a Choice!  Let us choose to love our Love!

Ideas Families Have Tried:

1. Show Affection!

In front of the kids, give your spouse a great big kiss. Hug him each time he enters the kitchen.  Let him take you in his arms when you cross paths!

One season, I decided that even though I’m not really that touchy-feely kind of person, I wanted my kids to see that Mommy and Daddy really love each other and make it obvious to them! Further, I started making it a point to hug and kiss my children good-bye and good night. Even if affection wasn’t that big of a need for me, it was important to some of my kids, and so I wanted to provide it. I wanted to make sure I showed them my love for Dad and for them!

At one point, I even decided to keep a little bottle of mouthwash in the kitchen cupboard with the spices. That way I could give a good smooch to Mark before he went to work each day—even if I hadn’t brushed my teeth yet that day! If he were in a rush that morning, I might even plop myself in his path, give him a twinkly smile and insist that before he leave, I wanted to give him a kiss. Or I might even follow Mark out to his truck because I had a hug for him!

My Favorite Idea:

2. Leave the Kids!

Find a trusted baby-sitter, and explain to the kids that Dad and Mom need time alone to talk and to make our marriage strong. Plan dates as regularly as possible. Plan get-aways occasionally as well. Not too often, so the kids feel insecure, but often enough to reconnect and celebrate your marriage together uninterrupted!

Mark and I were counseled in our wedding ceremony to afford a babysitter in order to get out weekly on a date. As our children came quickly, we were so grateful for the chance to get off alone each week. (And we were lucky to have found a favorite babysitter who didn’t charge by the child!) Our dates were usually not very expensive. One of my favorite memories of a date is a swing on the swings at the park. Another favorite was when Mark rode me on his bike, me on the bar and his arms around me, through the rain! How romantic!

Sometimes we go grocery shopping together, with no kids along. I like it when he comes, if we don’t blow the budget! I learned that a date was not the right place to talk about issues and concerns. Instead, I’ll save those for later, and now ask him to tell me all about the book he’s been reading, or share mine. We talk over interesting things he or I had come across, or funny things the kids said or what happened at the store or at work. Often we go to the temple together, as one of our best dates.  My sister told me:  “We like to attend the temple together.  That’s probably our favorite thing.  We can visit during the twenty minute drive to the temple, we always do the prayer circle, and we greet each other in the Celestial room.  Then drive home and visit together.  Nothing better!”

As the kids grew up, it was so nice to have one of the older ones babysit! How I counted down the days until my oldest turned 12! (But I also learned that they needed to be trained way before then, to care for their younger siblings, a little at a time.) The teenagers learned a lot from managing the dinner and the little ones for the evening! And everyone knew that Mom and Dad loved each other enough to spend time alone doing something together.

When Mark was given a position in the Church that took considerable time, he was counseled to take me away from home for a weekend once a quarter. It was difficult to figure out a get-away and to arrange the care for our young children. But oh, was it worth it!!   I took charge and would plan a short get-away. If we planned for just Friday afternoon through Saturday mid-morning, it was not that long at all, for us to be away from our children, but just enough time to rekindle our love. We often stay in one of our parents’ homes while they are on vacation, which made the weekend very inexpensive. I gather a snack that Mark especially liked and an easy breakfast to bring. I also stick in a movie, but many times we never get to it! Mark and I enjoy talking to each other so much, and the uninterrupted time together. We go home with new plans and new stars in our eyes!

Another sister of mine told me, “We mostly just like getting away from the house so we can converse uninterrupted, even if it’s mostly just sitting in the car together!  Fast food works fine; it doesn’t need to always be a fancy restaurant.”  She and her husband love attending musical theatre events or visiting with the elderly.  Sometimes, they choose to check out a new store, or wander through the whole IKEA store. Other times, they do a double date or tell everyone to meet for frozen yogurt after the adult session of Stake Conference.

3. Loyalty and Respect.

Let the kids hear you talk about your spouse with the highest admiration. “Listen to your Dad. He is wise.” “You’ll be blessed for following his counsel.” Or, “Mom knows what she is talking about!”

My mom always insisted that we kids save the biggest piece of cake or pizza or whatever for Daddy! “I’m fixing dinner this way, because this is how Dad likes it,” she would say. I’ll never forget when once Mom skimped and saved and bought a brand new bike for Daddy, then surprised him with her special gift at the front door!  So I try to carry on these loving traditions.

I designated the biggest family room chair as the “Daddy Bear Chair,” especially for him when he wanted it. And he, in turn, insists that the kids let me go first. Whoever dished up the first plate was to pass it to Mom. “Thanks for dishing her up first,” he’d say. “Open the door for Mom,” he also requests whenever his boys get to the door first.

When I planned a family night lesson, I often feel inspired to give examples of a time that Dad lived this principle well. I have worked to never to resort to Men Bashing, especially Mark. I work to never talk to my girlfriends about issues with him, but worked them out in private. Mark is careful to never make me the brunt of a joke. He holds me in the highest esteem, as I do him.

Even if Mark doesn’t quite agree with my presentation of my point of view on a topic, he had learned to not contradict me right then, so as to undermine what I said.  In private, he can express it to me.   Later on, he could give another point of view to the family. Gradually, Mark and I have learned to really support one another, especially in front of the kids.

4. Needs and Thoughts

Our spouses can feel our disapproval, even unspoken. It grates on them and brings division. On the other hand, if we stop finding the biblical motes, and start to work diligently on our own beams, then our spouse is free to stop feeling defensive and to start working on him- or herself! It is really a true principle.

I have found that whenever Mark and I had a disagreement, one of the best things that I could do after the emotion settled a little, was to visit him as work that day. This was his turf, and I rarely hear that much about it. So when I show up there, perhaps with a treat or even with just a visit, it shows Mark that I care enough about him to come to his place and by so doing, show I am wanting things to be better. I have found that it is a great way to say I’m sorry.

“He is not meeting my needs!” was the constant thought on my friend’s mind, about her husband. “Why can’t he ever take care of what I need?” But gradually, as she thought and prayed on the subject, she came to realize that she couldn’t change him, nor expect him to perform exactly what she needed him to do. “I don’t need my husband to do it,” she came to realize, “Heavenly Father can meet my needs!” When that was established, she was then free to just love him. She could find and celebrate his good points, rather than constantly focus on herself. From that point on, her relationship with him grew better and better. See also https://theanswerismorelove.com/2016/08/just-because-youre-mine/

5.  Have fun together.

Find something you like to do. Save up something interesting you have read, or a question you are wrestling with, to talk about. Have a water fight with him. Fly kites with him and the kids. Do a good April Fool prank on each other. Go bowling or swimming or on a hike or to a play together. Throw a Frisbee or play racquetball. Go on a walk (and make sure the conversation stays cheerful)! Think of something he would really like you to do, or something she has been wishing you would take care of. Anything to tell your spouse—and your family—that you really do love each other.

The goal is for the kids to think, “Mommy and Daddy love each other!”

Please Comment: How do you show your kids how much you love your spouse?