Label Carefully
We are constantly labeling our children, whether we realize it or not. Anytime we say, “Emma is Shy” or “Parker is athletic” we are changing their lives, for better or for worse. We must take care to give them only labels that will help them!
Ideas Families Have Tried:
1. Realize that Labels can change lives.
Jessica was good at academics but not at athletics. All through grade school, she was chosen last for soccer or kickball. Now in Middle School, she hated athletics. Especially Jessica dreaded the P E fitness tests and particularly the mile run knowing she would be one of the last.
The day of testing came, and Jessica warmed up for the race next to Kathy, a confident athlete who loved to run and always came in among the first. “I just hate these races,” Jessica confided in Kathy, “I am such a bad athlete and I know I’ll come in last.” “No you won’t,” was Kathy’s reply. “You can do this. You’ll do just fine!” The first group of runners lined up, and Jessica decided to run on the inside lane. To her surprise, Kathy (who was not in that group) came up next to her on the grass and started to encourage her some more. Then when the race started, there was Kathy running right beside her! She ran on, encouraging her for the whole four laps! To her astonishment Jessica came in near the front with an unbelievable time of 7 minutes, 18 seconds! Well, Kathy’s group was up next to run, and Jessica felt so badly that Kathy had to run it again after running the whole race already. Surely her time would be worse for helping Jessica through it!
Still, she was so grateful for the extra help! In fact, from this pivotal day in her life, Jessica decided that maybe she wasn’t such a bad athlete after all. New confidence helped her join the dance team in high school and earn her toe shoes in ballet. She played basketball and volleyball with her church teams as well. She was forever grateful to Kathy for refusing to listen to the label Jessica had given herself. See “Running the Extra Mile” by Jessica Grayless in March 2013 New Era.
Not everyone is blessed to have such a friend, but parents too can help children feel they are capable and good by what we call them. The younger the better, but especially before age 11, I have learned, kids believe us. We tell them they are smart or pretty or athletic or creative and they make it true. Conversely, they will believe negative labels as well, so we must be so very careful. These words change lives, even many lives.
My Dad grew up in a very small town in the middle of nowhere. The big deal in the tiny high school was to play basketball. In fact, Dad’s older brothers had put their town on the map by winning the AA State Championship in basketball! Now, several years later, it was Dad’s turn to play on the same team with his twin brother. They were also quite a good high school team and won some championship games. But one day, a well-meaning man came up to my dad and made the comment, “Good job for sticking out, Son, even though you don’t have the talent that your brothers have.”
“What?” my dad thought,” I never knew I didn’t have talent!” Well, after that some of the drive went out of his basketball playing. Dad went on to the army and a mission and then to dental school. He married and had a wonderful family. But years later, he would often apologize to me and my brothers and sisters, “I’m afraid that your lack of athletic ability comes from me!” So I grew up thinking I was no good in athletics either. I too hated and feared the fitness tests. And one time playing at a basketball game myself, I was so bad that when I finally made one basket after so many tries, the other team cheered!
When I married, however, Mark refused to believe that I wasn’t good at sports. He told me I was just fine. Raising my 9 boys, I’ve had plenty of chances to play racquetball or volleyball or ping pong or ultimate Frisbee or Speed; and thankfully, I have lost my fear of athletics. I now have the confidence to give it a good try, and enjoy the game, free at last from a thoughtless comment someone made to my dad so many years ago.
2. Protect against bad labels
One of my sons–I’ll call him Karson–was an enthusiastic singer as a young boy. In church he would belt out the hymns at the top of his loudest voice! I would often notice stares from those around us who could hear his exuberant singing. But I refused to say anything to young Karson. Instead, I quietly told Mark and the children that we did not want to squelch this wonderful drive this son had, to sing out, so to please not say anything. Our family sat in the front pew off to one side, where his loud voice could be heard mostly just by the chorister and those up on the stand. I tried to also sing out to mask his voice a little. I took care that no careless comment would reach his ears and stifle his enthusiastic singing. Karson grew up and did gradually tone it down. And yes, he became a gifted musician.
Some thoughtless comments are out of our control.
My nephew—I’ll call him Darrell–was an accomplished actor. By the time he was 12, he had already been in many lead roles in many plays, winning awards for his acting. He began to try out for Musicals as well, and he joined the high school choir. One day, Darrell was asked to sing a solo in church, accompanied by a flute and piano. It was the day after an extremely late rehearsal for the school musical in which Darrell had a lead. He hadn’t gotten home the night before until 1:30 a.m. But he still sang the solo in church the best he could, though his voice may have been scratchy due to the lack of sleep. Well, a letter arrived in the mail in which a well-meaning, elderly music chairman told Darrell that he should not attempt to sing again until his voice matured more.
Darrell seemed to shake it off and proceed with his part in the play. But after an evening performance, I heard the following exchange. “You did amazing, Darrell!” to which he responded, “except for the singing. I’m no good at that!” The label had stuck and this gifted young man now believed that he couldn’t sing! I wrote a letter to Darrell’s choir teacher in hopes that her compliments and reassurance could undo the damage of that letter. Knowing that a teenager’s ego is sometimes fragile and insecure and that such words could make him avoid musicals in the future, I hoped kind words from the choir teacher would restore confidence. At the next concert, I noticed that the choir teacher had given Darrell a solo part! I was so grateful!
I was an average singer, but no one ever told me I was no good. In fact, my parents asked to hear me sing constantly. Thankfully, everyone who heard me was kind, and when I grew up, I was able to take more voice lessons in college. My voice did mature and even though it’s still not a solo voice, it does get me through choirs. Singing remains my favorite way of expressing myself. I am eternally grateful to my parents who supported me and refused to criticize.
Two young people I know could not sing. One was a girl who loved to sing. But her father told her “Why can’t you sing as well as your sister!” So she quit singing. The other was a boy. Though he was often off-key, his parents refused to say a word. They just supported him in piano and cello. Though wary about letting him be in Junior High choir, they let him since he wanted to. And the choir teacher worked with him. Soon, he was singing right on key and carrying the bass. This young man grew up to make All-State choir his senior year in high school. Would that have happened if someone had told him he couldn’t sing?
My Favorite Idea:
3. Give kids positive labels
My dad nicknamed me “Leenie, the Queenie!” It was an absolutely wonderful pet name, as it left me not only feeling endeared to him, it also made me feel like a queen!” I decided to make up nicknames and jingles for my kids to leave them feeling good about themselves.
In a family home evening growing up, my parents gave me the label “Generous.” I didn’t even know what that word meant but was delighted when I found out! “I’m generous?” I thought to myself and remembered how I had left the price tags on the Christmas presents I gave last year (so everyone could see how much I spent for them)! “I must really be Generous!” And I tried to live up to that label. Later on in my life, I decided that my parents must have been trying to engender that trait in me by giving me that label. (And I gave up the practice of leaving on the price tags!!)
One Christmas, I wanted to make my grandchildren a special gift, so I thought carefully about each child and a good trait I would emphasize that fit each one. Then I made special frames, with appropriate scrapbook paper decoupaged on the wood. Inside read their new titles, such as Builder Brian, Amiable Annie, and Caring MaKenna. There was Sparkly Connie, Observant Oliver, and Kind Kraig. I hoped these labels would build positive traits in my darling grandkids.
One Easter, Mark and I chose a scriptural hero for each of our kids. In a tiny frame, we placed the words: Gavin is courageous like Daniel, or Tara is faithful like Rebekah. Since one of our sons had a biblical middle name, they used it in his: Ryland figures it out like Joseph. Then in Family Home Evening we highlighted each child with their gift, explaining each scriptural hero’s good traits and how they reminded us of that person in our family.
Make sure the labels are genuine. It would not work to label an energetic boy as Calm Calvin, for example. But rather than ever calling him “rowdy” or a “ruffian,” tell him he’s “exuberant” and “enthusiastic!”
4. Be Careful in Conversation
Children listen carefully to what their parents say about them to friends or family or teachers. They often accept the labels that they hear placed upon them even in casual conversation–or on the phone. A wise parent would do good to never call a child “stubborn,” or “slow,” or anything that we don’t want to support and reinforce! Even saying, “Tommy is learning to be more careful” –if something must be said at all–is 100 times better than saying, “Tommy is clumsy!” Be careful what you say, for they will believe it, and think: “I can’t help it. I am just that way.”
A fried, Sarah caught herself speaking up whenever her daughter was slow to answer, “She’s shy!” she would say, to get her daughter out of an uncomfortable situation. Sarah determined to wait and let this child take the time she needed to speak up for herself, rather than to hide behind a label.
Another confidence building practice involves a child’s name. Each person’s name is precious to him or her. So parents could save the use of their child’s name for positive interaction. Couple your child’s name with compliments and praise. And when discipline and correction are required, leave off the name. Say, “Bobby, I love the way you handled that!” and “You are such a neat girl, Susan!” Then say, “You need to finish all of the food on your plate” or “Please stop doing that” without the name attached.
5. Give them Visible Labels too
Another Easter, Mark and I wanted to give our children each their own picture of Jesus to put up in their rooms. We found several different 5 x 7 prints, each different and each beautifully depicting the Savior, which we framed. Our plan was to let each child give her their 1st, 2nd, and 3rd choices. But I wanted to do more. At an engraving shop, I arranged for small plaques, business-card size to be made that read, “I am His Disciple.” These we gave with the picture, so each child would see it often and internalize this special relationship they had with Jesus Christ. It was a very special label.
In the Ensign magazine one month, I found a bookmark-sized cut-out with the Prophet’s picture on it that read, “I Will Prepare (to be a Missionary).” It listed several things to do daily to prepare. I cut it out and laminated one for each family member. It was to go above the light switch or on the bulletin board in their rooms, to remind each daily of this label and this goal.
Children will internalize what we tell them about themselves. Just like young Ben Carson’s mother told him he was smart and he lived up to it and became a renowned surgeon (See “Gifted Hands”), our children will live up to the good things that we sincerely tell them.
Please share your comments and your great ideas below!