Helping Siblings Stop Fighting and Start Caring
We all long for peace and harmony in our homes. When our kids don’t get along, we search for something to solve the problem. It is mandated to parents to not allow such behavior: “Ye will not suffer your children that they.. fight and quarrel one with another, and serve the devil, who is the master of sin.” Book of Mormon, Mosiah 4:14. “But.. ye will teach them to love one another and to serve one another.“ (v. 15) This is a tall order, but a good goal!!
Ideas Families have Tried:
1. Dance or Sing or Sit Together!
One day—in fact it happened to be Mother’s Day, my sister and brother-in-law were fed up with how their kids were acting. All seven of them were picking at each other and quarreling! My brother-in-law sat them all down, and with some emotion, leveled with them. “My biggest fear,” he said, “is that you won’t like each other as adults. We want you to be friends when you are adults, like Mom’s family,” he went on, “and want to be together. Not like my family, who hardly have anything to do with one Another.” For a long time, they had talked with their kids trying to paint for them the bigger picture of when they would grow up and leave home and friends. The kids gradually began to see that through thick and thin, it would be family who were going to be there. It was amazing how a step back to realize how important these family ties were, really changed the way they treated one another.
This sister and brother-in-law were so disgusted with their teenage son and daughter, who just wouldn’t get along. No, it was worse than that, these two almost hated one another. Their son wouldn’t even acknowledge her when he saw his sister at high school! They held a special Family Home Evening urging their children to learn to love one another. However, the fighting continued and one evening, during a skirmish between the two, the Dad made the two kids come into the Family Room. He then turned on some upbeat music and told them to dance together. Well, the two kids started up dancing, and it wasn’t long ‘til they were laughing. Almost magically, this one incident broke the wall down and from then on, the two were best of friends!
At one point, I had my kids sing together when they quarrel. I typed up the song,“Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words.” Hymns, #232. She posted it up at the entrance to the hallway, where the two could be away from the family, yet close enough for me to monitor. The kids were required to stand together and sing the song. Usually, they were done with the argument before the song was half finished!
A friend told her kids, “If you are going to have an argument, sing it!” It was impossible for the two at odds to stay angry if they are doing it Opera Style! Invariably, they ended up in giggles!
Richard and Lynda Eyre shared their family’s best idea for squabbling kids: “The Repenting Bench!”
“We explained (to our kids) that we were tired of trying to figure out who was right and who was wrong every time there was a fight or a squabble or an argument or an erupting sibling rivalry. After all, they weren’t our disagreements, they were theirs!
“The repenting bench, we explained, was where any two kids who were fighting or arguing would go (or be sent) to resolve it.
“To get off of the bench, we explained, three things were required:
“1. To think of what you did wrong. Not what the other kid did, but what you did. It takes two to tangle, and you have to think of and admit what you did to contribute to the problem.
“2. To say you are sorry and that you’ll try not to do it again.
“3. To give the other kid a hug.
“The fun part of that first meeting was the role playing that came next. We had Sam and Kate (names changed to protect the not-so-innocent) re-enact the fight they had the day before (to the encouragement and cheering of the other kids) and then we sternly demanded, ‘ to the repenting bench!’
“Sitting on the bench, Sam and Kate’s acting skills really came out. ‘She started it!’ ‘He hit me!’ ‘I had it first!’ ‘She called me a name!’
“‘You’ll be there on the repenting bench all day if you keep just telling me what the other person did. The only way off is to tell what you did.’“
‘OK, I did call her a name.’ ‘And I slapped him.’ They role-played getting it right— and then the apologies — and then the hugs and being ‘released’ from the bench.
“Then there were a couple more role-plays, involving the other two kids. We had plenty of material to draw from.
“And then came the predictable question, from little Evan, the feistiest of them all: ‘Well, what about when you and Mom argue? Can we send you to the bench?’
“ ‘Absolutely! We will go to the bench, and we have to do the very same three things to get off.’ (Over the years, we have spent a lot of time on that bench ourselves, sometimes stretching out the repenting — and the hug— for the benefit of our watching kids.)” See Deseret News article “The Repenting Bench: A Great Way to Bench Squabbles.”
My Favorite Idea:
2. Fold Clothes Together
Years ago, I decided that in our family, whenever there was contention, there would be a designated place to talk things out. My mother-in-law insisted that bedrooms were not a good place for kids to go when upset—they needed to stay peaceful places for sleeping. The front of the house had too much commotion, and the bickering kids needed to be away from the situation. The bathroom certainly wouldn’t work! I chose the laundry room. And since there was always plenty of laundry that needed folding, my kids would fold clothes together while they talked it out. Folding clothes was not their favorite thing to do, so it was extra incentive to work out the situation. Consequently, whenever someone hits or fights, I insist that the two involved “Go to the laundry room and work it out ‘til you’re friends!”
Most of the time, I just let the consequence do the trick without intervention. They work things out quickly and soon are back reporting “We’re friends now!” But occasionally, if things are too heated, I may listen in from behind the door. If necessary I might say, “It’s time to see the other one’s point of view and be friends!” Usually, they want to stop working and go out, and they know they can stop as soon as they work it out without too much folding! But if there are still put downs and contention, I intervene briefly and urge them to see the other one’s point of view. If they are slow at working it out, I say, “OK, Fold the entire basket of clothes,” which helps them both want to get this figured out! On a couple of occasions through the years, I’ve had to bring out another basket of clothes as well! (And I remember once having to add another job to do together when they were done!) But overall it has worked quickly and well. My kids are removed from the family. They learn to talk things out. They learn to avoid contention. The problem is theirs to fix, not Mom’s or Dad’s, and they learn that choosing to be friends is much less work than fighting!
3. Peaceful Surroundings.
We must ask ourselves, “What do our Children See?” Try Happy Pictures of Siblings!
I once heard a story about a mother, who having lost her husband at sea, longed that her son not go to sea also. When he left in spite of her pleadings, she went into his bedroom, grieving, and there on the wall for him to look at each day was a picture of a sailor on a boat at sea. She realized that having that picture up had inadvertently made going to sea this boy’s goal!!
I then noticed what was posted on the walls of our hallways and bedrooms of my children and was being implanted firmly in their minds. I devised a plan to help my children learn to love one another. I started taking pictures of two or three of them with their arms around each other or having fun together. I would frame these and place them in strategic places, in bedrooms, bathrooms and halls. When two of my children were having a particularly hard time getting along, I would stage a picture of the two together (trying hard to capture some joy) and once again, hang the picture where it was very visible. (Or if that were impossible due to ill feelings between the two,I searched among my old pictures to capture these kids having a good time!) Soon, the animosity would dissipate, and these two kids would be pals again!
In addition, if two children were together a lot, i.e., to and from school or on the same sports team or club, I would arrange that at home these two roomed with different siblings. This helped peace prevail, for they had a rest from each other.
What do they Hear? When things are uptight, Try Peaceful Music!
Music is a powerful tool to calm words and feelings. Soothing lullabies, soft religious or classical music, or happy upbeat music help the mood of the family. Be careful to turn off the sounds we don’t want going through our kid’s heads, such as TV, electronics, or music with a negative beat or lyrics.
My sister –in-law chose a theme for her family, that she repeats often: “Treat the Best Those you Love the Best!” Her kids hear the theme often and see it up on the wall as well. They talk about who are their very best friends forever! She frequently reminds her kids, “Treat your brother or sister even better that your best friend at school!”
What do they Do? Try adding service to their weekly routine.
Let them help you when you help a neighbor. Encourage them to do special things for a friend, for Grandmother, and (especially) for each other at home!
4. “Let Me Be The Mom!” Bossing one another.
I was frustrated when one of my children would begin bossing a younger sibling, reminding the younger one to follow a family rule or even dishing out consequences themselves! I began to say, “Let me be the Mom!” If a younger child seemed bombarded with scolding and preaching from older siblings, I would explain,“She only needs one mom! Except when you are babysitting, I will worry about this.” At times, I would have chosen to ignore a particular behavior and to wait to praise the positive ones. So if a sibling stepped in to respond, perhaps harshly to it and therefore give too much negative attention, this response also helped: “Let me be the Mom. I will deal with this.”
Sometimes a particularly conscientious older sibling might say, “But you’re not dealing with it, Mom!” To which, I would take that child aside and explain my plan to extinguish that particular behavior by ignoring it! It was a good chance to teach the principal to the older one.
5. More Love and Attention
At one point, Mark and I were worried about our 10-year old son. He was usually such a happy, energetic boy who took most change in stride. But in the last five days, I realized and told Mark, he had actually cried three times over his chores or over an unusual assignment at school. He was having trouble with fighting as well. Were his chores too challenging for him? Was he not getting enough sleep at night? “You know,” said Mark, “It’s hard when your brother gets so much attention on his birthday.”
“You’re right!” I realized, “He’s had two brothers have birthdays in the last week. His little brother’s new bike goes faster than his now, and he’s spent both of his hard-earned dollars on their gifts.” “It’s time to shower this son with extra attention! ” we both agreed. We decided we would play catch with him, and board games, and ask him about his day more often. I was really grateful for Mark’s insights.
6. Love One another and Serve One Another.
The whole issue here is helping them learn to love one another. If parents can get them to serve one another, love will grow. M. Russell Ballard counseled,
“First, charity begins at home. The single most important principle that should govern every home is to practice the Golden Rule—the Lord’s admonition that ‘all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them’ (Matthew 7:12). Take a moment and imagine how you would feel if you were on the receiving end of thoughtless words or actions. By our example, let us teach our family members to have love one for another.” (M. Russell Ballard,“Finding Joy through Loving Service,” Apr. 2011 General Conference).
We found that when kids shared a bedroom for awhile, it helped their relationships. We tried to make it clear that we don’t allow contention in our home, so the kids need to find peaceful ways to work out their differences. We learned at a Church Sunday School course that “conflict is not wrong, it is just part of being different from each other. It’s when conflict is raised to contention that there are problems.”
I wanted to get more service going in my home, so I tried to watch for times when one of her children was having a bad day or didn’t feel good. I would then pull a different child aside and whisper, “_____ is having a hard time today. Let’s do her chores for her and surprise her!” I didn’t force the issue if the child was reluctant, but often, enthusiasm was engendered by the element of surprise (although I did, on occasion, tip ______ to notice what had been done for her!). Whenever I could, RI tried to help love to grow among my kids by helping them remember each other’s birthdays. And sometimes at Christmas, Mark and I both helped each child make a special gift for the family member whose name he had drawn from a hat.
Two of my kids, I’ll call them twelve-year old Carson and 6-year old Crew. Carson was constantly telling his younger brother, Crew, to “get out of my room!” I was frustrated with this, and I had told Carson to treat Crew like one of his best friends. In the once a month Sunday interviews I had with him, I would ask every time, “Do you get along with your brothers and sisters; do they know that you love them?” In the last interview, Carson had resolved to work harder at getting along with Crew. One evening, as the family was settling down for the night, Carson came into the bathroom where I was and said, “Mom, Crew is in my room. What should I do?” My reply was, “Go and talk to him like he was your very best friend, and see what happens.” When I returned to the kitchen, I found both boys. Crew was flying Carson’s prized hover plane around the house. Carson didn’t even seem to mind when Crew would crash it to the floor. I was so pleased! “One more time, and then you need to go to bed,” was my input (so as to avoid injury to the plane). But I was high-fiving inside, and I gave Carson a quick hug, to compliment him for being such a good big brother.
At one point, Mark and I were extra concerned with the Contention in our home, so we had a Family Home Evening all about contention. That week, the Contention actually escalated, much to our dismay! So the next week, we took a different approach. We taught our kids all about peace and love. And that was when we began to see improvement. Knowing the goal, our children helped to bring peace to our home.
What do you do to bring peace and curb fighting in your home?
Please comment below, or at marlene@theanswerismorelove.com.
Thanks!