Hope for those caught in addiction.
Even with the greatest filters in place, pornography addiction can occur. How can we help our loved ones past this, and fill their lives with hope?
Ideas Families Have Tried:
- Don’t overreact.
I was a brand new mom, with a little girl. In a college course, I had been learning about the addictive behaviors associated with anorexia and bulimia, when one day, out of the blue, my little toddler stuck her finger down her throat and made herself throw up! Trying hard not to overreact on the outside, I was panicky on the inside! Is my little baby going to have a problem with these terrible disorders?!! I called my professor up! His reply was direct: You can make this into a problem, he told me, if you blow it out of proportion. This is likely an accident, a one-time occurrence, but if you feed it, it will be much more likely to happen again!
Chagrined and humbled, I realized that I had already learned the principal to water what you want to grow. I just needed to apply it here, and in many other mothering situations.
We must be careful to not overreact. If we react with “shock, anger, or rejection,” teaches Linda S. Reeves, they will “be silent again,” and our chance to help them apply the atonement has passed. (April Conf. 2014)
- Use The Atonement.
“Young people and adults, if you are caught in Satan’s trap of pornography, remember how merciful our beloved Savior is,” teaches Sister Reeves. “Do you realize how deeply the Lord loves and cherishes you, even now? Our Savior has the power to cleanse and heal you. He can remove the pain and sorrow you feel and make you clean again through the power of His Atonement.” https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/protection-from-pornography-a-christ-focused-home?lang=eng
I was reading the Book of Mormon when I came across a wonderful scripture about bondage. It occurred to me that bondage is like addiction, and the Lord was giving us a key to freedom from addiction:
“And were it not for the interposition of their all-wise Creator, and this because of their sincere repentance, they must unavoidably remain in bondage until now.
“But behold, he did deliver them because they did humble themselves before him; and because they cried mightily unto him he did deliver them out of bondage; and thus doth the
Lord work with his power in all cases among the children of men, extending the arm of mercy towards them that put their trust in him.” Mosiah 29:19-20
We are taught here to be humble, and to cry mightily unto the Lord. Notice that the Lord tells us this works In All Cases! The Power of His Atonement covers all.
Therapist Jonathan G. Sandberg teaches in his BYU Devotional talk, Healing=Courage+Action+Grace, (January 2014) “there are a number of very helpful Book of Mormon scriptures that describe the process of deliverance in which the Lord delivers His people from bondage. Pay close attention to your part in the process of deliverance (see Mosiah 7:33; Mosiah 29:19–20; 3 Nephi 4:30–33). You may wish to also look up all the scriptures in the Topical Guide under “deliver, deliverance.”
- Teach Healthy Coping Strategies
Professor Sandberg relates, “Over many years clients have told me again and again that the most helpful talk they have seen about pornography is James M. Harper, ‘Secret Shame: Isolation from Self,’ a talk given at a BYU Cyber Secrets conference, Cyber Secrets: The Problem of Pornography, 18 February 2003, youtube.com/watch?v=kzNKTOPVKZM. This talk helps us understand that pornography is used as an escape from difficult or unpleasant emotional experiences. Most often pornography use is not an issue of hypersexuality, per se, but an issue of ineffective coping strategies for the difficulties of life. Most men I have worked with who look at pornography do it to cope because they do not have other healthy coping skills. Unfortunately, the use turns into a cycle of shame and acting out, as described by Dr. Harper. Please listen to the talk if you want to understand more and begin to heal.” http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=2162
Talking is also a wonderful coping mechanism–especially talking things over with the Lord. Journaling is another tool for coping.
One of the best substitutes for pornography is using the computer and extra time to do Family History and Indexing. It is a fulfilling task, with great promise. A local bishop was inspired to promise his congregation that if they would do Family History work, the righteous desires of their hearts would be granted. “What I the Lord say unto one, I say unto all!” Doctrine & Covenants 92:1
My Favorite Idea:
In order for healing from addiction to occur, a person must get to the point where he wants to change. I have learned that really, we who love him cannot pray for that person to change. Each person on this earth has the precious right to exercise his own free agency. Instead, we can pray for 1. his eyes to be opened and for 2. his heart to be softened.
See Mosiah 27:22 “they began to fast, and to pray to the Lord their God…that the eyes of the people might be opened to see and know of the goodness and glory of God”
Matthew 20:33 “They say unto him, Lord, that our eyes may be opened.”
D& C 104:80 “And inasmuch as you are diligent and humble, and exercise the prayer of faith, behold, I will soften the hearts of those to whom you are in debt, until I shall send means unto you for your deliverance..”
Mosiah 23:28 Therefore they hushed their fears, and began to cry unto the Lord that he would soften the hearts of the Lamanites, that they would spare them, and their wives, and their children..”
- Use Church sites and Addiction Recovery programs.
The Church has many sites to help families that deal with addiction. One such site is: http://overcomingpornography.org/spouses-and-families?lang=eng
In addition, many stakes of Zion have wonderful Senior Missionary couples assigned to run the Addiction Recovery program. They lovingly talk people through the 12-step program out of addiction. In addition, online there is an Addiction Recovery Meeting Finder available, for both In-person meetings and Phone meetings, for both Individuals who struggle with addiction and Family members and friends of those who struggle with addiction. The Church of Jesus Christ Family Services Addiction Recovery Program, https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/home?lang=eng
- Other Resources.
Becca learned on her mission that “Preach My Gospel,” the missionary handbook, has some of the best counsel for overcoming addiction:
“Through baptism and confirmation people receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, which will strengthen their ability to overcome these challenges. But baptism and confirmation may not fully do away with the emotional and physical urges that go along with these behaviors. Even though a person may have some initial success, further emotional healing may be necessary to completely repent and recover.”
“• Testify that only God can accomplish the miracle of spiritual healing (see Psalm 147:3)…”
“Basic steps that help people in the emotional healing process include:
- Identifying and acknowledging the problem. This requires careful and honest self-examination.
- Acknowledging that the behavior is harmful. It affects others and requires change.
- Being humble and feeling sorrow.
- Seeking forgiveness from others who have been harmed, and learning to forgive one’s self.
- Stopping addictive actions and beginning to do healthy things.
- Remaining faithful—keeping the baptismal covenant, providing service, praying for help from the Holy Ghost, and showing a desire to keep God’s commandments.
- Understanding that the Lord will always love His children—even when they make a mistake and yield to old cravings. Repentance and the road to recovery are always available.” https://www.lds.org/manual/preach-my-gospel-a-guide-to-missionary-service/how-can-i-improve-my-teaching-skills?lang=eng
See Also this list of excellent articles that Professor Sandberg gathered:
James M. Harper, “Secret Shame: Isolation from Self,” a talk given at the 2003 BYU Cyber Secrets conference, Cyber Secrets: The Problem of Pornography, 18 February 2003, youtube.com/watch?v=kzNKTOPVKZM.
Dallin H. Oaks, “Pornography,” Ensign, May 2005, 87–90.
Boyd K. Packer, an address given at the priesthood session of general conference, 2 October 1976, and published in a pamphlet,To Young Men Only (Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1976).
Richard G. Scott, “To Be Free of Heavy Burdens,” Ensign,November 2002, 86–88.
The Church of Jesus Christ, Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts,pamphlet (2006), lds.org/bc/content/ldsorg/content/english/family/family-well-being/combatting-pornography/pdf/LetVirtueGarnishThyThoughts.pdf.
We must teach our loved one that she is a Child of God, of infinite worth. We can give her tools to overcome addictive behaviors and help her want to avoid the ugly and negative, and fill her brain with the finest and best. In one sense, each of us struggles with addictive behaviors in one form or another.
Isn’t it wonderful that the Infinite Atonement of Jesus Christ, who descended below all things, is available to all, to release us from the bondage of addiction.
Please comment with your perspective below. Or marlene@theanswerismorelove.com.