Preventing Pornography

Just like we fortify our little soldiers with armor to guard them as they go out into the world, we also must guard carefully what comes in to our fortress homes. “Be a Lioness at Door,” is how Julie B. Beck puts it, fierce in our determination to let nothing enter our homes that we don’t want there!

Our goal is to make our homes a safe haven, where all is wholesome and where things outside it can be talked about openly.

Ideas Families Have Tried:

1. Courage to set limits.

Be consistent, and it will get easier. Be persistent in making sure that each device has filters.

Dalia sat down with her kids and showed them just what to do if ever anything inappropriate ever popped up on the computer. “See this button here,” she said, pointing to the off button on the front of their screen, “Just push this, quick as you can!” Even on the computers at school you have to be careful and ready, Dalia told them. She had overheard of some incidents at the elementary school in which the kids had inadvertently accessed something inappropriate, despite the filters and blocks. “Push the button quick,” she told them, “then go tell the teacher. It’s okay to not do the assignment, if you need to turn off something bad.” “And be sure to always tell us what happened,” added Rick, assuring them that he and Dalia always wanted to protect them.

Just like we are ready with “Stop, Drop, and Roll,” we should also be ready with “Push, Leave, and Tell!” It is just as important as putting out a fire! http://www.71toes.com/2013/11/a-petition-to-protect-our-childrenand.html

2. Vigilance in checking up on what they are watching and games they are playing.

We must be sticklers about the content of the TV, movies, music, and internet. We must check out ahead of time what is actually in that movie and turn off the inappropriate. It is a huge example to our families. “Children learn what they live.” (poem by Dorothy Law Nolte”)

My sister and brother-in-law felt like they couldn’t allow their kids to do sleepovers. Part of their decision was based on my brother-in-laws experiences talking to kids in his role as a Bishop. They decided it was just too risky to chance an image on an un-monitored screen or devise to impose itself on them.Though their kids might grumble, they knew they couldn’t take that risk. Many a youngster has had a first look at pornography at a sleepover.  They insisted that in the dark of night, parental guard needed to rule. We decided to make that our family rule as well.

We have learned to insist that in our home that they keep ALL computers and screens in the Family room only. At first, I found it hard to make a place for all the family’s media in the family room, where it was visible and accountability could be enforced. I loved to do my computer time in my bedroom! But I decided it was more important to me to protect my loved ones with my example. Mark and I set up a table desk in the family room pathway where all electronics could be set up. Once a friend came over and innocently started setting up a computer in another room to have her tech-y son help him fix it. No, Mark corrected them, move these into the family room area only. What’s more, we counseled with our kids and made it be a strict family policy that the only internet usage was to be in that room with an adult present. Our 16-year old, somewhat grudgingly at first, would bring his smart phone in there, to watch YouTube videos or programs he wanted to watch. Because the family policy had been explained to him well, he complied. I was so grateful that the younger ones saw his example. It was totally worth the safety of my family to do all computer time there!

At one point, I felt pressure to put a second TV in the basement of her home. “No,” I insisted, with lion-like firmness, “I can’t monitor what the kids turn on down there. Our only TV must be in my view!” It was that important to her. Gradually, the other members of her family respected that righteous desire as well.

We discovered that as their kids got older, their games switched from a large screen to a handheld screen. It is much harder to monitor. We had to make an effort to talk to our kids about what they were playing and be aware of just what the kids were filling their minds with. Our family had long allowed games to be played on a long drive, but it used to be that these games were a handheld Yahtzee or Tetris game, whereas the iPod games were now being played in the back seats. We knew that a family talk about what they were filling their minds with was essential. Along with our parental vigilance, the filters had to become internal.

There are more and more risky apps available. Most are anonymous and secretive. “Short term posts that can be deleted immediately can lead to bullying or inappropriate content.”

“Don’t ban apps just for the sake of banning apps or you may have a revolution on your hands. But be aware of what apps your youth are using, how it’s affecting their gospel study time, school time, mutual time, and family time.

“The best way to avoid risky apps or dangerous entertainment is to have a healthy relationship with your youth. Talk to them about the apps they use and advise them to make good decisions when it comes to their activity online.” http://ldsliving.com/story/75855-7-risky-apps-all-parents-should-know-about.

3. Choice of what they take into their minds.

Internal Control is by far the best! If a child knows well from early on that he or she is a Child of God, it follows that what he or she chooses to allow inside will be more God-like. There is a wonderful song that teaches kids to be careful about what they take into their minds and selves. “Stand Up, Walk Away!” written by Janice Kapp Perry and Joy Saunders Lundberg, teaches about closing books, turning off TV, and having the courage to walk out of a bad movie. My kids learned actions to it years ago and still love to sing this catchy song. What a valuable message it has about filling our minds with goodness: “Whatever you do, becomes you!” this marvelous song teaches. http://yourldsmusicstore.com/store/3178/For-the-Strength-of-Youth#.U9jwqPldWSo.

Remember the old song, “Hum Your Favorite Hymn”!  I tried to help my kids pick a hymn to have ready whenever bad thoughts try to enter “the stage of their minds.” Boyd K. Packer https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1973/10/inspiring-music-worthy-thoughts? I want them to be strong and ready whenever they left her fortress home to face what is outside.  

My Favorite Idea:

From the time my kids are very little, I teach them about “The Eagle.” It is a wonderful tool to have on hand whenever something inappropriate comes into view. Whether it is a billboard, a picture on media, or a person dressed immodestly, they can use the Eagle! “When you see something bad,” I teach them, “In your mind, turn it immediately into an Eagle—one that is flying quickly past. Follow that eagle with your head, and turn quickly away from the bad scene. Then, you can regroup and get the thought quickly from your heads, as you watch that Eagle fly away! Or you can focus on the new thing in your view!  It will especially help you when you are a missionary!” Periodically, I remind them and ask if they are following the Eagle. “Oh yes!” they invariably reply. It is a valuable tool to have ready! (If only King David had known about following the Eagle!)

“If we think we can solve pornography with only filters on devices, we are chopping only branches off a tree, and never getting to the heart,” commented Amelia, a mother of five. Handheld devices are the biggest culprit, and even those without internet capacity can access pornography through roundabout means such as facebook. We must “lead our children to deep conversion.” https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/protection-from-pornography-a-christ-focused-home?lang=eng

4. The Rod of Iron: Holding Tight to the Word of God.

Great power and protection comes from reading the scriptures—especially the Book of Mormon—together. If we can get our children—and us—to Hold Tight to the Iron Rod, we will all better find our way through the dark mists and avoid the fiery darts. We will develop abiding testimonies as well as protection from the world.

“I feel certain that if, in our homes, parents will read from the Book of Mormon prayerfully and regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes and all who dwell therein. The spirit of reverence will increase; mutual respect and consideration for each other will grow. The spirit of contention will depart. Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and submissive to the counsel of their parents. Righteousness will increase. Faith, hope, and charity—the pure love of Christ—will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy, and happiness.”Marion G. Romney (Ensign, May 1980, p.67) https://www.lds.org/ensign/1986/11/the-book-of-mormon-keystone-of-our-religion

5. The Big Talks. And the little talks.

We must Talk and Listen. We need to ask our children regularly about their exposure to things and their use of electronics. A scheduled interview will be a huge deterrent from slipping into the inappropriate. {See Interviews on a separate post.) Along with the formal asking, we must do the casual asking too. Listen carefully. And, as the church website directs, watch for changes in behavior that might be red flags. http://overcomingpornography.org/spouses-and-families?lang=eng Children must be taught about intimacy and a good source for how to is “A Parent’s Guide.” https://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng&query=

1. Russell Ballard counsels fathers and sons—which definitely applies to mothers and daughters as well,

“Dare to have the “big talks” with your sons. You know what I mean: talks about drugs and drinking, about the dangers of today’s media—the Internet, cyber technologies, and pornography—and about priesthood worthiness, respect for girls, and moral cleanliness. While these should not be the only subjects you talk about with your sons, please don’t shy away from them. Your boys need your counsel, guidance, and input on these subjects. As you talk about these very important matters, you will find that the trust between you will flourish.

“I am especially concerned that we communicate openly and clearly with our sons about sexual matters. Your sons are growing up in a world that openly embraces and flaunts early, casual, and thoughtless promiscuity. Your sons simply cannot avoid the blatant sexual imagery, messages, and enticements that are all around them. Fathers and Church leaders need to have open and frequent discussions that teach and clarify how young men of the priesthood handle this issue. Be positive about how wonderful and beautiful physical intimacy can be when it happens within the bounds the Lord has set, including temple covenants and commitments of eternal marriage. Studies show that the biggest deterrent to casual sexual activity is a wholesome attitude that connects such personal relationships with genuine commitment and mature love. Fathers, if you have not had this “big talk” with your sons, please do so, and do it soon. M. Russell Ballard October 2009 https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/10/fathers-and-sons-a-remarkable-relationship?lang=eng

Tom and Sarah were interviewing their kids quite regularly, when Tom asked Sarah, “I want you to ask me regularly too, about my cell phone usage.”  So Sarah agreed that on the first Sunday of every month, she would ask him.  Then she told Tom, “Once a month, I want you to ask me if I am living a transparent life.”  Their marriage was important enough to them, to have the safeguard of Accountability.

(More about the Special Talks in a future post.)

6. Parenting Style.

We should look over our parenting style, to make sure we parent our children with both accountability and warmth. Kids desperately need limits and to be accountable, and they just as desperately need our kindness and tenderness.

“A recent study (while focusing on drinking, also applies to other addictions) found that:

*The teens least prone to heavy drinking had parents who scored high on both accountability and warmth.

*Teens with “indulgent” parents, those low on accountability and high on warmth, had triple the risk of heavy drinking.”

*Teens with “strict” parents – high on accountability and low on warmth – were more than twice as likely to engage in heavy drinking. It was also detrimental to kids if parents were too Authoritative. BYU sociology professors Steve Bahr and John Hoffmann http://news.byu.edu/archive10-jun-parentingstyle.aspx

7. Wholesome love.

One of the greatest deterrents to pornography is wholesome family love at home. We parents would do well to shower our family members with hugs and kisses and to fill our homes with words of endearment, praise, and encouragement. We can express love in many different ways, giving them evidence of our love and sacrifice for them. What’s more, we must show them our wholesome love for each other: let them see Dad sweep Mom off her feet in a huge hug and see Mom plant a juicy kiss right on Dad’s lips. In front of them, we should use words of endearment and praise to each other, thus letting them see that marriage is sweet and good.

HOME SECURITY

A friend of mine told me that there was one point when she discovered that she had been dwelling too much on the negative in the world, so she decided to add more time to their schedule for having fun together and creating happy memories. She began to smile at her kids a lot more. Rather than leave them alone, she tried to take them with her more often and to turn getting gas into an adventure There is a lot of good in the world, she reassured her kids, and they could focus more on finding the good in this world to talk about.

Mark and I have already raised most of our kids, and we’re getting more tired as the years go by. Some nights, we are able to get ready for bed earlier than in previous years. But one night, when I had already climbed in and Mark was reading the scriptures before he turned in, one of their kids showed up in our room. There was really no reason, she just stood there at the doorway. Soon, her younger brother came in, too—only he pounced on the bed! Annoyed, I shooed him off, and whisked the kids off to bed. But later, as I thought about it, I remembered what a security had come to me as a child, in my own Mom and Dad’s room and on my Mom and Dad’s bed. Mark and I both knew that and had carried on many a great conversation in our bed with an uneasy child in between them. “You know,” I commented to Mike, that particular night, “rather than shoo them away, I should have snuggled them up to me and told them a story from my childhood or just let them lie here a minute.” I knew that I should already have known that, and I felt really bad to think I’d missed that chance to love and build!  But I also knew that we parents must constantly be learning and relearning and continually be listening to the Spirit. I hoped that the kids would stop by my bedroom before bed again soon–in fact I prayed for a second chance.  I would do better to fortify them with peace and love, even if I were tired!

Along with being fearless as a lion about what we will allow in our homes, we must be diligent about the expressions of warmth, kindness and love to all members of our fortress homes.

Upcoming post: Hope for those already caught in addiction.

Please share your experience with this topic by commenting below. Or at: marlene@theanswerismorelove.com