Us vs. the Opposition, instead of Us vs. Us!
In our Families, we must make sure it is: Us versus The Problem at hand
NOT
Us versus Us!
We parents have to get creative at times, to motivate and encourage change at home. We come up with charts and incentives, contests and calendars! But sometimes, we may inadvertently put child versus child in the process. Without realizing it, we may be setting up situations that actually increase the contention in our homes. Rather than pose:
Us versus each other,
we must set these incentives to pose:
Us versus the Opposition,
thus promoting more Unity in our families, the very thing we want!
Just what is the Opposition?
Dirt!
Clutter!
Toys!
Disorganization!
A too busy day!
A huge project!
A small project!
Weeds! Etc.
“The First one to the Car gets a surprise!” we might call out. But then everyone scrambles and one shouts, “I’m first!” and the next one shouts, “No, I got here first!” and the next one shouts, “That’s not fair—he pushed me!” etc. By now, everyone is stirred up and fighting each other! Whereas if we announce, “Let’s see if we can all be in the car before Grandma gets here!” Then everyone helps each other make it to reach our goal, and there is greater cooperation and unity.
Ideas Families have Tried:
- Promote unity not tension.
“Those who pick up the toys get lunch,” we might say, and then each person thinks only about his or herself and cares only about his own lunch. One may even tell on someone else who didn’t pick up, or didn’t pick up very much! But, if we instead say, “Let’s all work together to have a nice clean family room, then we’ll all have lunch,” then everyone focuses on the clean room and the lunch we all eat together, on the group rather than individual rewards.
My daughter likes to approach a very dirty room and give it a “10 minute blitz!” She explained to her kids that they could spend an hour cleaning up the room, but instead, if everyone worked hard and fast, they could set the timer and get it done in just ten minutes! That sounded great to all! So, with the timer going, everyone scurries to help and to put things away quickly. It is fun to race the time, and Everyone loves the order that is the result. What’s more, no one is comparing each other’s work, just working fast together for a common goal.
What if one child does not help? My daughter simply ignores him, keeps her enthusiasm up with the rest of the kids, and saves a portion for the one not participating. Then, at lunchtime, she quietly puts his food on top of the fridge, til he gets his part done! Her attention is reserved for the ones who scurried around to help!
Bethann came up with the idea to have her kids Race Her to get on seat belts. The kids combined in their quest to beat mommy “getting safe.” They would quietly remind each other to hurry and buckle up before Mom did, and they all felt good when they all beat her! Judith purposely did her seat belt slowly, and never had to coax or prod anyone to get theirs on! While she was the opposition technically, the real opposition, she taught her kids, was accident or harm when we don’t put seat belts on and “get safe!”
My Favorite Idea:
- Rewards can be for the Entire Family.
Mark and I decided to simplify our household assignments, at one point, and to work together developing good habits. We set up CPC: Chores, Practicing, Clothes Away as the three things required. Then we put up a chart with only 5 boxes on it. The goal was for all family members to get all three items finished for five days, then we would celebrate. I came up with the reward, to look forward to, when we had reached our goal. It was simple, inexpensive family fun, such as A Family Kickball Game and Smoothies ; A Pajama Party and Popcorn; a Ping Pong Tournament; or a Taffy Pull. (I wondered if the kids would get excited about such simple rewards, but they did! And they proved to be really fun!) At first, because of our busy schedules, it was hard to even get just five days of all getting all five things done. But gradually, we fit it all in better. We even increased our goal little by little. And the family fun times motivated us to work together for the next one!
- Responsibility to help the Family.
A Mom I know, Angie was pondering how the Lord handles work in His kingdom. She realized that rather than give our jobs, He gives Stewardships. The Lord gives us Stewardships over a portion of his Work. She and Devon decided to try to duplicate that in their family, a gospel approach. They wanted to communicate to each child that the family was counting on him to accomplish his stewardship. Carefully, they chose a job well-suited to each child. Then, one by one, Angie and Devon spoke with their children, telling them about their new Stewardship, and how much the family counted on each to do his part. “We are counting on you,” they told each one, “to keep our house smelling nice and free from germs by taking care of this bathroom for us”… or… “taking care of the garbage for us”…or… “seeing that the dishwasher is always filled or emptied when it’s time.”
“If you don’t follow through, it will be hard on all of us,” they emphasized. “If Dan neglects taking out the garbage, for example, our home would start to smell. If he forgot to wash out the garbage can on Saturdays, mold or germs would start to grow, and might make someone sick. And if he forgot to take the garbage to the road on Fridays, the whole family would be in a bind with no place to put all their garbage for the next entire week! Our house would not be a nice place where the Spirit can dwell.” Each child felt the need to do his special part.
And it would be hard on them all if he didn’t come through. Though some of her kids needed a little reminding at first, Angie let her kids feel the consequences of forgetting, to teach them the importance of their stewardships. She might let them go a week without room in the dumpster, then praise the garbage taker outer when he remembered the next week!
One of her sons neglected the little chicks they were raising, at one point, leaving them in the sun. Angie did not catch it in time either, and all of them died! The boy was heart-broken at what he had caused. Never again did Angie see this son neglect an animal! He had learned a life or death lesson, such as is learned on a farm. Angie felt like after facing this dire consequence, the family joined together to help little creatures live. A little bit like an old-time family farm, in which each day is a family fight, unified in the effort from survival, Angie’s family united in a quest for these creatures’ survival.
My friends, the Christiansons decided that in their household, everyone would “jump up from the table” to do dishes together. It would not be just one person’s job, but all would work together. Everyone had eaten, so all would help. All soon got into the habit of picking up their own dishes. One child especially liked sweeping, so usually grabbed the broom. Another liked filling the dishwasher. Mom usually put away the food, while Dad scrubbed the big pots. Everyone could talk, and sometimes someone turned on some music. In this way, they were posing: US against the Mess, not us against each other!
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic! Please comment below or at marlene@theanswerismorelove.com.