Awhile back I had a vivid dream. I was sitting in a large room and way across the room, far from me, I saw a coiled rattlesnake. In a split second, even before I had time to exclaim, the rattlesnake bolted forward the length of that entire room and bit me! I immediately woke up in a panic!! While it was good to realize this was a dream, I felt like it was so vivid that it must mean something. For days afterward, I wondered just what the snake biting me so swiftly and alarmingly could possibly mean!
I came to realize that the culprit was Sarcasm! Our family had begun watching a show that was filled with sarcasm. I asked myself, “While humor is good, could sarcasm be like venom?” In James 3:8 it says the tongue can be “an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.” We are reminded in D&C 63:64 reminds us that words are “sacred, and must be spoken with care, and by constraint of the Spirit.” We must take care with words that are sarcastic, especially when speaking to children.
1. Just what is Sarcasm?
“The Greek root for sarcasm is sarkazein and means ‘to tear flesh like dogs.’ One dictionary defines sarcasm as irony designed to ‘give pain’” teaches Jennifer Grace Jones in her article, No Corrupt Communication. “Sarcasm,” she goes on, “can convey aggression and insult, it can be used to dominate others, and it can communicate contempt and anger. Not all sarcasm is intentionally sinister, but it has a hypocritical edge because it requires us to say the opposite of what we mean. Some use it for humor, but it often damages our relationships because it leaves our friends and family doubting our sincerity and confused by what we say.” (Jennifer Grace Jones, https://www.lds.org/ensign/2013/08/no-corrupt-communication?lang=eng)
Jennifer continues with this personal example, “I moved away from my college town immediately after graduation and was eager to make friends in my new area. I quickly acclimated to a good group of people, and I enjoyed getting to know them. But some of my new friends relied on sarcasm to be funny, sometimes exploiting others’ weaknesses for humor. At first I ignored it. However, months of interactions in which humor came at the expense of someone’s feelings—including mine—left my heart heavy. I yearned for friends who would encourage me instead of make fun of my shortcomings.
“I returned to my college town for a short visit and reunited with women whom I admire for their faith, vigor, and optimism. We spent the day playing sports and talking. They were eager to hear about my life, and they listened without belittling me. We laughed hard and often—but never at someone else.
“As I sat with these women in the afternoon sunlight, I looked into their cheerful faces, and my heart lifted. Their kindness soothed like a balm, and I resolved to become a better friend, especially when it came to uplifting others with my conversation.” (Jones, No Corrupt Communication)
2. Isn’t Sarcasm just Humor?
Humor can be “an escape valve for the pressures of life.” Richard G. Scott
“Sharing witty remarks or humorous experiences can ease tense, uncomfortable situations and can create a subtle bond of fellowship between strangers… Puns, exaggeration, understatement, irony, and clever twists on common situations teach profound lessons on life, stimulate the imagination, school the emotions, and reveal hidden relationships.” (Peter B. Rawlins. https://www.lds.org/new-era/1974/08/a-serious-look-at-humor?lang=eng)
However, “A most damaging form of humor is sarcasm, or cutting, hostile, or contemptuous remarks. Such humor is usually based on inordinate pride and is usually aimed at some person or group thought to be inferior, such as minority races, ethnic groups, and the physically handicapped. Occasionally some good comes from these jokes when taken in good humor by the object of the joke—tense race relations have been relaxed and physical handicaps have been placed in proper perspective. But this occurs only when the feelings of all concerned are considered.
“Though often meant to be harmless, sarcasm denotes insensitivity to the feelings of others, stemming either from thoughtlessness or maliciousness.
Recall the perverted brand of humor of the soldiers who mocked our Savior by putting a crown of thorns on his head, clothing him in a purple robe, and saying, ‘Hail, King of the Jews!’” (John 19:2–3.) (Rawlins, A Serious Look at Humor)
In short, Sarcasm gives people the “dishonest opportunity to wound without looking like they’re wounding.” (Paul Coughlin, “Parental Sarcasm Is No Joke,” Focus on the Family, May 2008, focusonthefamily.com/parenting/articles/parental_sarcasm.aspx in Jones, No Corrupt Communication.)
“To avoid using humor as a dangerous weapon, we must be compassionately considerate of all that is frail, and humbly mindful of all that is sublime. Would it not be better to ‘lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees’ (D&C 81:5) than to humiliate and disgrace one of our neighbors? When humor is such a powerful tool in building subtle bonds of brotherhood, in cheering those who suffer, and in teaching profound and memorable lessons, why should it be used to belittle and discourage? Those who profess belief in Christ should shape their humor in the light of Christ’s teachings. Being rejected from His kingdom because of a warped sense of humor would not be funny.” (Rawlins, A Serious Look at Humor)
3. Why is Sarcasm harmful to Children?
“Parents and siblings who use sarcasm against young children often cause more damage than they ever intend. Studies show that children as young as five years old can detect sarcasm immediately. Although children discern sarcasm, they don’t have the ability to understand it fully. Parents are ‘much more proficient at using [sarcasm] than children,’ and it can become a veil for ‘undisclosed anger, annoyance, even jealousy.’ This unequal power changes parental sarcasm from a joke into a form of bullying.
“Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has taught that we must be extremely careful in how we communicate with children: ‘Be constructive in your comments to a child—always. Never tell them, even in whimsy, that they are fat or dumb or lazy or homely. You would never do that maliciously, but they remember and may struggle for years trying to forget—and to forgive.’” (in The Tongue of Angels, https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/05/the-tongue-of-angels.p1?lang=eng quoted in Jones, No Corrupt Communication)
4. What about Teenagers and Sarcasm?
Consider this example of teens and sarcasm:
“‘Nice pants,’ a girl giggled as she walked past me into class. I stood in the hallway of my new junior high school, confused by her sarcasm.
“‘What’s wrong with my clothes?’ I whispered to myself.
“It didn’t take me long to figure it out. In this school, designer clothes were the standard, and my jeans didn’t have the right label. I just didn’t fit in.
“As the unkind comments grew, so did my feelings of inferiority. Along with my schoolwork, I started studying the other students’ styles. Time and new clothes helped end the teasing. Yet I still spent hours worrying that I didn’t measure up.” (Rebecca Rice Berkin, https://www.lds.org/new-era/2006/10/open-mouth-insert-car?lang=eng&media=audio )
Sarcasm can cause great damage. Let us steer our families away from it!
5. What do we replace Sarcasm with?
In a word, Sincerity.
I have tried to teach my kids that whatever they say to someone should never leave a Sting afterward. Words cannot be taken back, nor can the tones of our voices, so we must plan carefully what we say.
Particularly, when we talk to children, let us give them the example of speaking kindly and directly. Let us take on the goal to be sincere. And take care with our humor.
A modern day prophet taught,
“I am asking that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that as we go through life we ‘accentuate the positive.’ I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort…
“What I am suggesting is that each of us turn from the negativism that so permeates our society and look for the remarkable good among those with whom we associate, that we speak of one another’s virtues more than we speak of one another’s faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears.” Gordon B. Hinckley https://www.lds.org/ensign/1986/04/the-continuing-pursuit-of-truth?lang=eng
Since my dream, I have discovered that sometimes I slip into sarcasm easily. I have had to make a real conscious effort to resist that tendency. May we strive to speak to everyone and especially to children, direct and sincere.
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