Positive ways to Teach kids Honesty

Recently, a young mom I know sent me a text, wondering how to teach her 3-year old to tell the truth, and what to do about consequences.  We chatted about the dilemmas, and I decided to write the post I’ve long wanted to write, since this is so important.

Very young children are incapable of lying, but as they grow, children learn that in order to get what they want, they can alter the truth. “I can have another cookie if I say I haven’t had one yet,” a child discovers.  Therefore, choosing whether to tell the truth is one of the very first of a child’s tests.  It’s a first lesson in choosing the right–and a first step toward the temple!

Creative children have it extra difficult to be truthful—they can think of many creative ways to get out of a punishment!  We parents must be sharp!  And we must teach our children early, to tell what really happened, and that this truth will make them feel good inside.

“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.”  Mark Twain said.  What a happy life we can help our kids develop, when their consciences are clear and they don’t have to remember any untruths!  Honesty applies also to respecting another’s belongings, doing your own schoolwork, and all areas of life!  Honesty is a big deal, and if taught well, it will be the cornerstone of a happy life.

1. We want our young child to think: “I always tell the truth!”

I wanted to teach my children to be honest, but even more so, I wanted to mold their self-concept from the time they were very young, to think and know they were an honest person.  Never would I want a child to ever label himself a liar, or tell herself, “I tell lies.”

So the very first time I hear a child tell me that She told a lie! or that He is a liar, I stop them.  “We don’t say that in our family,” I insist, “We don’t call people names.  Just remind him to tell the truth!’”  I never wanted to let anyone label one of ours as a Liar! Rather than letting a child say to another, “You’re a Liar!”  or even, “Mom, he  told a Lie!”  kids can say to each other, “Remember to tell the truth!”

If we can teach with word and with song, then good self-concepts can grow even better, since music has a direct path to the brain.  I love the Joy School song that repeats, “I always tell the truth!”  This is how I wanted my little children to view themselves, so I sang it with them over and over:

“If you tell the truth, you’ll be so glad!

If you tell a lie, you’ll make somebody mad.

So be just like me, be honest just like me.

I always tell the truth you see, I tell the truth, you see.”

(Listen to this song at http://valuesparenting.com/joy-school/sample-lessons/lesson-3-3/)

If we teach our older ones well, it carries forward!  My boys just got home from doing yard work for an elderly lady down the street. This time, she wrote out their check for 3 hours of work, even though they had only done 2 ½.  The oldest brother had them all work ½ hour more, to make it right.  I was so pleased, and loved praising their honesty!  His example taught the younger ones a sermon!

2. We want our children to learn to say:  “I did it and I’m sorry!”

Instead of making a child into a liar by focusing on the lie, we can give him words to say to make him honest!  The bible teaches, “Behold, I have put my words in thy mouth.”  Jeremiah 1:9.  My daughter is good at this: “Are you trying to say that you didn’t mean to hurt her?” she’ll ask her young child, or “You mean that you almost made that basket, right?”  She resists focusing on a lie, and instead focuses on what the child needs to say to tell the truth.  Her child then feels good about him or herself.

Sometimes kids see things differently than we do, and struggle to communicate just right.  If we assume the best, we can really help them to think they are telling the truth. While being wise, we must give the benefit of the doubt whenever we can.

Kids are going to make mistakes.  We can also give them the words to say that are a tool to fix the situation, without resorting to denying it or lying about it, such as  “I did it, and I’m sorry!” This also teaches them to take responsibility for what they have done—to own it and to try to make it right.

Back to the story of this young mom’s text.  She and her husband were worried that telling the truth was becoming a negative thing for their daughter. The young dad told me that when he found his toddler son crying, if he asked his 3-year old daughter, “Did you do it?” she didn’t always know what to say!  She knew that if she admitted hitting him, she would be in trouble.  And being a resourceful girl, she could think of lots of ways to deny the action or blame it on someone else.  She was stuck! Should she get in trouble or figure out a way not to?    

Well, this dad asked my advice, and I suggested he give her words to say: “I did it, and I’m sorry!”  Then, when she said them, he could make a big deal about her honesty:  “Hurray!  You told the truth!  Good for you!”  This little girl ate that up!  Little by little, with lots of practice, she is going to learn to choose to tell the truth!

3. We want our kids to learn:  “I feel good inside when I tell the truth.”

We can emphasize how bad it feels inside when you don’t tell the truth and how good it feels to have a clear conscience.  We want our kids to realize they are happier when they are honest.

After hearing this couple’s dilemma with their little girl, I set up a little Puppet show at our “Grandma School” for my grandkids that week about Cookies.  Mommy puppet makes some delicious cookies and sets them out to cool. “Please don’t eat any, because they are for dessert tonight, when we feed the missionaries!” she says.   The first time around, both puppet children can’t resist eating one.  One puppet character tells the truth, and Mommy is disappointed, but proud of her for telling the truth.  The other one denies eating the cookie, and then feels so bad, she goes off by herself for a while.  Later, she too tells the truth, Mommy is proud, and both kids get half a cookie for dessert, since they told the truth.  The second time I did the puppet show (immediately after the first one), I had both puppet children resist the urge to try a cookie, and go play somewhere else.   Mommy puppet is so proud of them for choosing the right, and they both get a whole cookie for dessert!

I also loved using bedtime stories to help my children learn!  Just like through my grandma school puppet show, I would figure out how to have the characters pick a good and a bad way to handle a situation, such as cheating at school, or cutting in line, in stories I told them.  This way, I hoped that my children need not experienced all the bad choices, by helping them to chose a better way beforehand.  This also helps open the door of discussion, and I hoped my kids would be more willing to discuss anything similar that happens to them.

See also, Bedtime Teaching post https://theanswerismorelove.com/2016/12/bedtime-teaching/ and Get me Ready so I’ll be Steady post https://theanswerismorelove.com/2014/07/get-me-ready-so-ill-be-steady/.

Here’s another wonderful song that drives home the wonderful feeling you feel when you’ve been honest.  I love singing this with my kids because it is so enthusiastic about telling the truth!

“I told the Truth!  I’m so happy I’ve got to start dancing!

I told the Truth, feel so wonderful maybe I’ll fly.

People I know are beginning to show they can trust me!

I’m learning now what’s important and how my life must be!

 

“I told the truth, and what’s why I’m so joyfully singing.

I told the truth, and it feels like I’m starting to glow, so,

However hard it may be, I’ll tell the truth honestly,

Wait and see there’s going to be proof

That forever more, I will ever more tell the truth.”

https://www.britekids.com/products/standin-tall-2-honesty

4. We want our children to sense:  “I feel safe to tell my parents anything.”

We must develop a good conversation with our kids, so they won’t be afraid to come tell them what’s on their mind.  They need to feel safe enough to tell what really happened, even if it is not easy to come and confess.

I love using a monthly one-on-one interview to really connect with each child.  Visit https://theanswerismorelove.com/2014/07/fortify-them-from-our-fortress/  to find out more ideas on setting up a wonderful scheduled time to talk openly.

Family Home Evening is a safe place as well, since no one is singled out as the one who needs this lesson.  Everyone is taught true principles that apply to all. I found several scriptures about honesty that could be used for a FHE lesson: “Nevertheless, they durst not lie, if it were known, for fear of the law, for liars were punished.” Alma 1:17; “Wo unto the liar, for he shall be thrust down to hell.”  (Hell is regret!)  2 Nephi 9:34; also Acts 6:3.  These could be used for a Family Home Evening on Honesty.

5. We want our kids to start to really feel:  “I need to fix this so I can be honest!”  

What child hasn’t seen something at the store that they simply must have!  Then often comes the part where he picks it up and puts it in his pocket!  Here is an important moment to teach honesty!  We have to be vigilant at noticing and at following through, despite the inconvenience, embarrassment, and struggle.  It is totally worth the time and effort to stop and have the child go tell the store manager or cashier that “I took this without paying for it.”  Hopefully, the lesson will stick, and the child will have learned the all-important message that I cannot have things that don’t belong to me!  And, I must be truthful about it!  Hopefully, the message we can leave them with is “I told the truth!  And I feel good inside!”

One school day, I somehow stumbled onto the fact that my kindergarten son had been copying answers from another child’s paper.  It was somewhat vague and I wanted to shrug it off with a little lecture and go on with my day, but something told me to follow through.  So, I got the baby out of the car seat and took my son back to the classroom.  First, outside the classroom door, I talked to him about how in school, it is so important to do his own work.  It is not telling the truth to copy someone else’s work, I emphasized.  In fact, we need to go in and talk to the teacher and make this right by telling her what he did.  

This son was a timid child, and was totally scared, but I told him I’d be with him.  So, we went back into the classroom and found the teacher and he bravely confessed what he had done.  The teacher thanked him for being honest, and it was done.  I praised him for his courage to do what was right.  And years later, this son commented to me about the incident and how it had taught him an important lesson.6. We want our kids to know:  “I get a better consequence if I tell the truth!”

This young mom specifically asked in her text if she should punish her little daughter if she finally told the truth.  One approach is for parents to give a larger (worse) consequence for a wrong doing when the truth is not told and a lessened consequence when the truth has been told. “I am sorry that you did that, but I’m glad you chose to tell the truth,” is a good message.

In our family, there was always plenty of laundry to fold, so folding laundry was the consequence for a wrong-doing. When a child would confess to lying about a problem, her punishment was less than it would have been without the confession. I would tell my child, “Since you told me the truth, you only have to fold twenty things. If you hadn’t, you would fold fifty.”  That way, the child still had to pay the consequence for doing something wrong, but telling the truth was rewarded.

While trying to let the Holy Ghost guide us, we wanted to believe our children and help them to see themselves as honest people. So after having thoroughly taught Honesty in Family Home Evening, and around the kitchen table, and of course, with our example, we can give our kids the benefit of the doubt.  “I’m so glad I can trust you!” is a wonderful way to build an honest son or daughter.

How do you teach your children honesty?  Thanks for commenting below!