Toilet Training without Tears

I may have potty trained 13 kids, but now I know 13 ways to potty train!  Each child is different and takes a different slant.  Still, there are some constants that really help.

1. Watch for Signs

The biggest advice is NOT to start too early.  Grandma may have told me that her kids were potty trained at 18 months, but I am pretty sure that she was trained to catch the potty run, rather than the kids being trained to feel the need and do it themselves!   Mine were usually way past 2!

When a child starts to take interest in the toilet and in his own body,  that is a great sign.  When a baby starts to not want a wet or dirty diaper any more, that is also good.  (It used to be that cloth diapers let the child really feel the wet against her skin, so this was easier!)  All in all, a child will let you know when she is starting to be ready.  Of course, some kids are So Busy with their toys and adventures, they couldn’t care less about what is going on in the bathroom, or even in their pants!  Yes, for me, it was the boys who were so involved in their Lego contraption or their new trick on the monkey bars, that they didn’t think of anything else.  Like their mothers, girls generally have a peripheral view of more things, while boys—like their Dads—are better at concentrating hard on one thing at a time!  But even when they show signs of interest, the child may not be ready for the responsibility of going in the toilet.

My daughter has learned to wait way past the time her kids BEG her to go in the toilet.  When a child first asks, she tells him all about what it will entail, and what he will need to be ready for.  Then, she says that maybe he will be ready soon!  When it is finally time to start, her child has already had everything explained to him and is ready and motivated!

A bad time to potty train is when there are other big pressures in a young child’s life.  Having a new baby join the family is Huge!  Or Moving.  Or an intense sickness.  Or a big trip.  These are enough to deal with. Do the potty business way before or way after these big events that take a lot of processing for the child already.  A prayer about when a good time for your child to be potty trained is always a good idea.  It takes time and patience, and a go-ahead from the Spirit helps us to see it through!

2. Set the Stage

The bathroom needs to be a happy place, so good things can be accomplished there.  So don’t have Time Out be in the bathroom, or any punishment.  It is good if bathroom time is fun.  Fun in the bathtub is one way.  I changed diapers on the counter of the bathroom, and several of my 18-month olds would wiggle and scream all the way through!  I wanted this room to be a happy place for their eventual trip through potty training!  So, I started singing fun songs whenever it was diaper change time!  There’s a froggy song, where you use your tongue to make the froggy noise–that caught the baby’s attention!  Or “I’m So Glad when Daddy Comes Home” or “I Know Heavenly Father loves me” to calm them down. https://www.lds.org/music/library/search?query=Whenever+I+hear&x=0&y=0&lang=eng   I sang a jingle with the letters of their name, the fun songs from nursery, or the lullabies Grandma had sung to her babies.  It helped make the bathroom a better place in their minds.

Part of my setting the stage was to come up with a chart I could tape up—even just a piece of paper for stars, for an instant reward whenever the child had success going in the toilet!

3. An Example

If a child can watch older brother or sister go to the bathroom, they learn a ton.  When Mommy praises the older one for a job well done, the little guy will want that someday too!  For an oldest child, hopefully there is a cousin or an older friend that will be the object lesson in going to the bathroom.  Let the young child see the poop, and see the flushing away process.  Of course, they can learn hand washing from an older child as well!

For my two little twin sons, I found the idea of getting two little potty chairs and setting them side by side in the bathroom.  Each little boy sat down on them and we had a party in the bathroom while we waited for success!  We read books, we told stories, we sang songs—and encouraged them to stay sitting on the chair!  (I had pushed a lot of fluids that morning!)  Then, when one of the boys suddenly surprised himself and went, we all went ballistic with our praise!  “You did it!  You went in the toilet!   Good for you!!”  Then the other one was so motivated to do the same.  Could he do it too?  Yes!!  They had their example in each other!

I usually taught my boys to go sitting down, like the girls.  Then, when they had it down, I let Daddy or an older brother show them about standing up to go—lifting the lid, of course!

4. Bath time

I liked to set my toddler on the toilet after she was undressed for a bath and before I hopped her in the tub.  For most of them, the very first time sitting on the toilet was in all their clothes, with both of my hands securely under their arms, not letting go, and my voice praising them for trying out this wonderful new adventure.  Then, after trying that a time or two, I could do it without clothes.  It was only for a second, and nothing expected to happen, just a prep try at sitting on a toilet seat.

If my daughter sees a child in the tub looking like she’s starting to go, she plops that child on the toilet quickly, to keep the bathwater clean!  It’s another prep for the real thing!

I preferred to use the regular toilet for potty training, since if they learned on it, they could go at someone else’s house or in a public restroom, as necessary.  But some of my kids were smaller or maybe a little more timid, so it was better to use a potty chair for them.  We could practice sitting on it before a bath just the same.

5. The Child leads out

The goal is for the child to lead out, as much as possible.  He needs to want to do this.  Some children want to wear the new soft underwear that is so dry and clean!  Some want to be like the big guys.  For others, we have to come up with a reward.

But when potty training had “officially” begun, I didn’t want to be the one always hounding my child to go to the bathroom.  So I used a timer to remind us.  I would set it for a certain interval, maybe every 30 minutes to start with.  Then, I had lots of leeway to change the timer if, for example, I saw a child dancing around needing to go or if it was going to ring and it just wasn’t an opportune minute just then.  But when the timer did ring, I could then say, “Oh, I guess it’s time to see if you can go!”  It was the timer not me that came up with the idea!

5. Washing up afterward

From day one, washing hands needs to go with using the toilet—every time.  We had a little song we always sang as a reminder, a jingle I heard somewhere years ago that went:

 “Wash your hands after going to the bathroom;

wash your hands after changing baby too.

Cuz I want to be a clean person.

And I want a clean person to be you!  (Mommy:) Who?  (Child and Mom:) You!!”

6. Rewards

When there is success, the best reward is our verbal praise:  “You listened to your body!  Good for you!” is my favorite way of rewarding victory on the toilet.

When I was in the thick of the potty training stage of child development, I read somewhere to give your kids salty snacks, so that they would be thirsty and would drink more, and thus have more success on the toilet!  So for my rewards, I chose cheese puffs.  They were not something we normally bought, so they were a real treat at my house.  We set it up so that when the child went wet, along with the star on the chart, they got to go to the pantry afterward and have a cheese puff (after washing their hands, of course).  But when they went poop, the child got to get a handful of cheese puffs, to pass out to everyone!

Actually, they weren’t just “cheese puffs.”  For the son who loved baseball, we chose the round ones and they were called “cheese baseballs” and for the daughter who loved girly stuff, we chose the longer ones and they were called “cheese lipsticks!”

Most of my kids got the urinating down and then struggled to do the bowel movement in the toilet.  It felt just a little scary or something!  Thus they waited for the underwear til they could do this step too.  So I came up with this plan for a Visual Reward (and reminder of our goal).  I taped three packaged toys on the back of the bathroom door.  Mostly I used hot wheels cars for the three toys, as most of mine were boys.  The child knew that when he had success going poop in the toilet, one of those cool cars were his.  Nothing had to be said, but he sat there and looked at his reward day after day.  And for some, it took a long time to get over that hurdle.  But once again, it was in his control, and he decided when to get up his courage to finally do it.  And boy did we make a big deal about it when it finally happened!  We called Daddy, we called Grandma, we celebrated!  And there were two more cars still taped up there for the next two successes!

For some, it was a longer process than others.  A couple of mine needed a longer learning process, so three cars was not always enough.  In that case, I went back to a chart and what I call the idea of diminishing rewards.  I would give a star each time they had success.  I would start by telling them that after five stars, they got a reward. (It might be a car, or something more convenient that I had on hand!)  The next time, it would be six stars, then seven, then eight.  By the time we got up to 12 or 15 stars for a reward, the child was firmly entrenched in his new routine of going in the toilet, and simply forgot about the chart altogether.  Eventually, I could simply take down the chart without my child noticing!

7. Underwear

Some kids really latch on to the idea of soft, dry, big kid (padded) underwear.  I emphasized the DRY part.  This is not like a diaper, I would say, it stays dry.  So, if a child were ready to wear underwear, they had to be ready to keep it dry.   One or two slip ups when they were learning could be overlooked, and another try allowed.  Or if they went a tiny bit, and caught the rest in the toilet, that was great!  We could get another pair out.

But beyond that, if they got this soft, wonderful, dry underwear wet (or soiled), I would simply inform them that sadly, they weren’t quite ready for underwear, and we’d have to go back to diapers until they felt ready.  I worked hard to not make it a big deal, but just a natural consequence.  We might be back and forth between diapers and underwear for season, but that was ok, as sooner or later, it would stick and they would earn the privilege of wearing underwear for good.

8. Setbacks

Every child has set backs. It’s just part of it.  We do well to not make a big deal about it (easier said than done, I know)!  Expect setbacks, and give it some time.

When a new baby joins the family, there are usually reverting behaviors to the older sibling.  It’s normal. The older one may want a bottle again or to cuddle and pretend to nurse.   So, it’s okay to even go back to diapers for a season, then start again.  It’s ok, really!  “When you’re ready,” was a good phrase for me to have on hand.

One of my little girls had a hard time going to the bathroom at church (which has to happen when it lasts three hours!)  I finally learned to have her sit down, then she and I would pretend it was our house.  I would describe our bathroom, complete with the toilet paper over here, and the chart right here, and the sink over there, and as soon as she calmed down and pretended with me, she would relax and go!

9. Night time

Staying dry at night time is no problem for many, but a whole new challenge for some kids.  Some may need the nighttime diaper for quite a season.  Or pull ups, which could be called “night-time underwear.” One idea to help is to push liquids in the mornings, and even stretch the child’s bladder a bit that way, then limit liquids after dinner.

Some of my kids had a hard time on trips, since the routine was way different!  So, we just took along a set of pull ups and called them “trip underwear” that we only needed during the duration of the trip.

The bottom line is Mommy’s attitude.  Be determined to never show the negative!   The feelings of frustration, despair, or even anger will probably come!!  I remember those!!  But it’s worth it to step aside a minute and hide them!  Things will get better!  Your child will eventually get it!!  If we expect the Potty Train to go slow, with delays occasionally, then when at last it speeds up, it’s a bonus!

I’d love to hear your Potty Training Tips!  Please Comment below!