Learning to Wait

 My 12-year old is taking an online course this summer—a Computer Essentials class that is required at the Junior Highs.  It was going to work really well, to have him busy doing this while his brother was in Summer School at Mesa High.  I determined I wasn’t going to nag him to get it done—that it was a good chance to learn to be responsible and to develop the self-control to get to it on his own.  Well, when day after day he would read or play board games instead, and put off doing his class until it was too late, I would get so frustrated—mostly with myself for giving in to the urge to nag.  It’s just Junior High—I wanted to let him figure it out himself.

Finally, yesterday I said to him, “Son, why do you think I keep talking to you about your Computer class?”  His answer was something like “because you want me to get it done.”  “No,” I replied, “It’s because I love you…  I want your success and your happiness.”  This could have helped because last night, he went to the computer all on his own and finished his study guide!  “I’m all caught up, Mom!” he told me exuberantly!  I learned that I’ve got to let it take some time for kids to grow in their ability to take on responsibility.  (And that the conversation matters:  We can’t assume that they know we love them.)

1. Waiting for them to take on responsibility and work

Sometimes it just takes time.  Our family does yard work together.  Even on holidays, such as Civil Rights day and Labor Day, we usually spend the morning doing a family work project in the yard, then the afternoon celebrating with a movie or an outing on bikes or a fun meal.  It’s been interesting to watch our 10- or 11- year old kids try to get out of the work.  They might go play on the swing set awhile or go inside to use the bathroom for a long stretch.  We might have to coax and remind and get them back to the weeds or the chopping hollyhock stalks with us.  Other kids notice that so and so isn’t working.  But we shush them with “Let me be the Mom!”  or “I’ll take care of it.”

Months go by, and gradually, invariably this son or daughter starts to take on more and more stick-to-itiveness and follow through!  If we can allow them time to grow, without too much criticism along the way, they learn!  Then at this point, we can pour on praise, such as “Good job on getting all that mowing done so well!”  Or “Thanks for your hard work all morning.”  The child can tell he is matured–when you point it out positively—and can start feeling really good about it his hard work!

More and more kids are not learning to take responsibility and work.  They live off Mom and Dad way into their 30’s!  Our society has taken to protecting kids from hard work—which is good, unless taken to the extreme by not teaching them to work at all!  It takes time to learn a work ethic, and it is harder without a farm to work on!

2. Waiting for them to mature.

One of my little girls was a screamer! Maybe it was because she followed four boys.  Maybe she just wanted intensely to be heard!!  But no matter what I did to calm her down, she screamed so much that her little voice went hoarse.  We took her to a specialist, but the only answer we got was that it would be too traumatic to this little two-year old, to put a scope to the back of her throat in order to see her injured vocal cords.  “The answer is simple,” said the doctor, “Just don’t let her scream anymore.”  I nodded, knowing full well there was no way I could keep this little girl from screaming!  So we came up with a plan:  the whole family would talk in whispers all the time!  We set up signs all through the house that read:  Shhhh!  And told the kids they had to help us let our toddler’s voice rest and heal.  Then we waited.  Gradually, it worked.  And this daughter grew up to be the sweetest, mild person!  It just took time!

One of my little boys was a loud singer!  He belted out the hymns in church louder than anyone around him!  It was embarrassing!  But somehow I knew that I couldn’t squelch this enthusiasm for singing.  We usually sat in a front pew on the side of the chapel, where no one could really hear us except the chorister (who would give us a knowing smile) and perhaps the bishopric or the speaker.  But I refused to let my other kids say anything about his zealous singing.  “Mom, he sings so loud!” one might whisper to me.  “It’s ok.  He will learn.  Please don’t say anything to him!” would be my reply.

And this boy did mature.  And his decibels went down.  He even learned to Blend!  But he remained an energetic singer.  In fact, this son went to All-State Choir three times, and was chosen to direct the final Alma Mater his Senior year.  He still loves to sing.  And I am so grateful that we didn’t squelch that by making him self-conscious early on.  Sometimes we just have to wait.

My neighbor asked me once, “Why do you guys have chickens?”  I wanted to answer, “For the eggs.”  But alas, they were not laying at that time!  “Why DO we have chickens?”  I asked myself.  They are noisy, and dirty, and inconvenient.  But then I had my answer for him:  “Because we raise children.”  Animals really do teach responsibility.  There are DIRE consequences for neglecting that chore!  But again, you have to be patient, and wait for them to learn the lessons.  We had to go through long seasons of no eggs, since there was sporadic care.  But later, when the child with that chore had learned their duties (coaxing the chickens back to laying at last by picking them extra greens) and figured out a routine at last, we would finally have seasons of regular laying and consistent fresh eggs. Sometimes we have to wait

3. Waiting for good things to happen.

 At times we also wonder why we have a garden, when it’s cheaper to buy the food at the store.  Well again, it’s for our children.  So many things in a child’s life are instantaneous:  they want something and they push a button or open a door or put out their hand and it happens!  Instant rewards, such as a sticker, a star, a piece of candy, are theirs! But here in the garden, after they plant a seed, there is a lot of waiting.  Waiting for days for the seed to poke through the dirt, all the while continuing to water and care for that unseen seed.  Then there’s waiting for the seedling to grow a leaf, and waiting a very long time to be able to actually eat something!  On a mission or in college or in a marriage or a new job, the rewards are not usually instant.  Where else is there a better tool for teaching the skill of Waiting!

I love Mr. Rogers’ song, “I think it’s very, very, very hard to wait.  Especially when you’re waiting for something very nice!  I think it’s very, very, very hard to wait! See this site for another of his songs about waiting:  http://pbskids.org/rogers/songs/index.html  

4. The Best Way to Motivate takes Time.

Motivating someone to do something out of fear, though effective, is only “temporary and shallow” teaches Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf. “Fear rarely has the power to change our hearts, and it will never transform us into people who love what is right.” Satan motivates with fear.

How does our Father in Heaven motivate us?  “He sent His Son” to be “our mentor.”  He is our exemplar and our patient sufferer. “He trusts us to learn from our missteps and make correct choices.  This is the better way!”  In our Savior Jesus Christ, we have a chance to repent and try it over time and time again, in the process changing our hearts.  We have His example, and His Spirit to help us follow it.  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2017/04/perfect-love-casteth-out-fear?lang=eng

May we learn to wait.  May we teach our children to wait.  (May I learn to let my son conquer his online class!)  May we not motivate with fear, but with “love unfeigned.” (2 Corinthians 6:6 and D& C 121:41) And may we all turn to our Savior to find the Way:  “I am the Way” (John 14:6)

See also: Work: An Antidote to Mischief and Doubt https://theanswerismorelove.com/2014/10/work-an-antidote-to-mischief-and-doubt/

and A Family Perk, You Learn to Work https://theanswerismorelove.com/2014/02/a-family-perk-you-learn-to-work/

Thanks for your comments below.