Helping kids Want to Do What’s Right

My adult son called me the other day with a question.  “When I was growing up, I wanted to be good,” he said, “How do I instill that in my kids?”  That is a good question:  How do we help our kids want to do what’s right?

There were two contrasting groups of offspring in the Book of Mormon that grew up to be way different.  In one set, the “rising generation” had been too young to understand King Benjamin’s words.  And when they grew up, they became “Unbelievers.”  Their parents had really listened and had felt the Spirit deeply.  They had had a profound experience with a “mighty change of heart.”   But their kids “knew not God” and rejected His gospel.  (See Mosiah 26:1-6, 4:1-3, 27:1)

The other group of youngsters were also likely too young to experience the same mighty conversion of their parents, but when they grew up, they were firm and steadfast, filled with faith and righteousness.  Their parents had been warring murderous Lamanites, but these parents had also had a mighty change and conversion.  They felt the Spirit confirm that they should bury up their weapons of war, and some even gave up their lives in so doing. I’m guessing that many of the kids would have grown up without fathers (since these had laid down their lives rather than fight), but their mothers took the challenge and raised them to want goodness and liberty for all people.  (Alma 56:47-48, 57:21)

Why did these kids turn out so differently?  Both sets of parents had profound spiritual experiences, but only the second group passed on their beliefs to their kids.  These surely must have shared their testimonies with their kids and taught the next generation what they knew.

When I was a girl, I pictured my life as a white sheet of paper.  Every time I did something wrong, I believed that I got a “black mark” on it, spoiling my clean page. So I knew I had to repent in order to get it clean again and ready to show it to Jesus someday.  In fact, my brothers and sisters and I would put fear in each other’s mind: “If you do that, you’ll get a black mark in heaven!”  This idea definitely inspired me to do what’s right, but it wasn’t the best way.  “Fear rarely has the power to change our hearts, and it will never transform us into people who love what is right and who want to obey Heavenly Father,”  taught Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “People who are fearful may say and do the right things, but they do not feel the right things.”  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2017/04/perfect-love-casteth-out-fear?lang=eng

In our conversation, my son told me that he remembers me telling him and his siblings that angels were writing down everything we do and say, which made him to want to do good.  “Angels above us are silent notes taking” is definitely taught in the hymn “Do What It Right” and is a good reality to consider.  Knowing that someday we all will know everything the angels wrote down may be a good motivator to do what’s right, but probably still not the best.  “How do I instill in my kids the desire to be good?” this son asked me.

Ideas Families have Tried:

1. Reinforce their Conscience.

It feels good to do what’s right.  From the time children are very little, we can point out to them often that it feels good to do good. This way we are helping a child develop their conscience.  Born with the Light of Christ inside us all, those feelings of good when we do good and bad when we don’t are there, but they can be developed by our little phrases of reinforcement often.

When we see our children doing something good, whether sharing or helping or giving someone a hug or a thank you, we can reinforce it by a response such as “Doesn’t that feel good inside?” When we catch them sitting still and listening quietly for a few minutes or doing something kind to a sibling, we can remind them, “It sure feels good inside when you do good things!”  And conversely, how bad we feel when we make someone else feel bad: “Look at how sad Cory is because you did that. How could you help him feel better?”  And after the decided upon action, we can follow up with “Don’t you feel better now?”

2. Daily Reminders

Family mottos repeated often can remind us all to want to be good.  Ours is “Stick Together Family” and it is printed and up for all to see.  Our hope is to remind us of our goals to love and serve one another and ultimately be together in the next life.

When we send our kids out the door, our good-bye can also reinforce goodness. “Love you!  Remember Who You Are!”  is ours.  A neighbor down the street calls out, “Be Good!   And remember you’re a Groberg!”  Daily, kids are urged to remember to do what’s right, just because that’s what our family does!

 My Favorite Idea:

3. The Plan of Salvation

When I was a young mom, our Stake President challenged parents to teach the Plan of Salvation to our children often.  He promised this would help our families grow in love and righteousness. So we did.  Every couple of years, we would have another Family Home Evening about the Plan of Salvation.  We would change it up by teaching the Plan in several different ways:

One was with cutouts that represented the different parts of life:  A circle for the Pre-Existence, a blue circle that read Earth Life, with a sign marked Veil of Forgetfulness in between the two.  Then came a sign marked Death, a circle that read Spirit World (in which the upper half is Paradise and the bottom half is Spirit Prison).  There’s the Final Judgment marked in, then the Three Degrees of Heaven:  the Telestial (with the brightness of a Star), Terrestial (like a Moon), and Celestial Kingdom (like a Sun).  Outer Darkness is a dark circle below.  (See Doctrine & Covenants 131:1-3, 132)  We emphasized that only in the top part of Celestial Kingdom could we all be together as a family, and that we all must live to be worthy and comfortable there.

Sometimes the kids made the cutouts.  Each was assigned one part of the Plan of Salvation and they taught us about this part of in the Plan.  Whenever they participate, they learn more!

Another fun way was to walk through the Plan in our home.  With a little set up, we made our Family Room be the Pre-Existence where we learned about our future testing time and experienced the War in Heaven over Heavenly Father’s Plan.  The Kitchen table was Earth Life (and we had forgotten about the life before so we could walk by faith).  We talked about our physical bodies that need to eat in order to grow, and our spiritual bodies fed as well.  The Bedroom was death–it being a little like sleeping.  The Bathroom was the Telestial Kingdom, the Pantry the Terrestrial, and the Living Room (the room we tried to keep picked up and ready for Home Teachers or company) was the Celestial Kingdom. As we sat there, we talked about how much we all wanted to be together someday here in the Celestial Kingdom, and how terribly sad we would be if someone were missing!  We talked about how to get here, by doing what is right and repenting quickly whenever we made a wrong choice.  We talked about Heavenly Father and Mother being here and Jesus and how much they loved us.  They were doing everything possible to help us come home someday, but they would not force us but let us choose.  We ended with a prayer that we would all be blessed to choose to obey the commandments and receive the ordinances to get us there all together.  And we started calling that room our Celestial room.

Still another time, we had our new son-in-law illustrate for us the scripture found in Helaman 3:29-30.   He drew the Man of Christ holding tight to the word of God and making his way across gulf of misery, then landing his soul safely in the kingdom of God.  Each of us, by reading the Word of God daily, can reach the kingdom of God.  It was another way of teaching Heavenly Father’s Plan of Happiness and to instill in all of us our desire to be good and do what’s right and our goal of where we wanted to be together someday.

Through the years, whenever I taught the Plan of Salvation, I started noticing a wonderful pattern.  After that FHE was over, invariably one of the kids would stay after and want to talk.  A confession would come out, and a desire to make it right.  It would be very sweet and end with a big hug and our expressing lots of gratitude for this son or daughter and their effort to repent.  “I’m so glad you want to do what’s right” was reinforced again sincerely, along with our goal of being together in heaven someday.  I marveled at how often this happened.  I decided that our kids, upon hearing the truths of eternity, were motivated to change in order to reach the goal of Eternal Life together.  With this perspective, they wanted to be good.

4. People are Counting on You

Funerals are another great time to talk about where the Loved One has gone, and how much they are counting on us to make good choices that lead us back to them someday.

I lost two baby brothers when I was growing up.  One lived only 7 hours, and the other died at 3 months.  How we mourned together and yet, how much I learned.  I knew that these perfect little boys were back in heaven and that they had already made it!  My parents helped us want to be all together again someday to be with our brothers!  In fact, I felt they were counting on me to do my very best here on earth.

Finding ancestors by doing family history work is another powerful way to help our kids want to stay true.  They gain perspective of the continuation of life beyond this one, and see better the lasting truths and values we want to teach them.

“Orange You Glad” was the theme of one Family Reunion where we focused on our ancestors.  My oldest daughter was in charge and along with the fun of everything possible being orange, she emphasized to us how glad we were that our ancestors found the gospel and joined.  Each of us (everyone old enough) was assigned one ancestor to read up on and report to the family, two each mealtime.  We learned that these people–our relatives–endured much and gave us the legacy of righteous living through the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  Again, we were inspired to want to keep the legacy alive and join them someday.

5. Teach, teach, teach

Amulon had been a Priest, so he knew the must have known the gospel at one point.  But he deliberately chose not to teach it to the people of his day.  He taught them language and friendliness, but not the gospel. The result?  A “cunning” people, smart and wealthy in their trade, but a people who delighted in wickedness and plunder. (Mosiah 24:4-7)

Like the parents of the Book of Mormon, if we desire a righteous generation ahead, we must teach.  We need to share our spiritual experiences, our testimonies, our daily tender mercies from the Lord.  We must teach at the dinner table, in the car, after church, and while we work, casually and formally we teach.  And Family Home Evening is a perfect place to teach each other the gospel.  From very young, our children can teach too, and in the process, do most of the growing!  We can’t let opposition keep us from having our FHE every week, even if it must happen on a different day of the week or a different time, or be a quickie, or be held the next morning at the breakfast table!  We can’t afford to ever skip!!  See https://theanswerismorelove.com/2015/09/family-home-evening-go-ahead-and-have-it/

We must remember the power of teaching the truth to change behavior! “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel.”  Boyd K. Packer https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1986/10/little-children?lang=eng

6. More Love

President Uchtdorf taught that the best motivation was not fear, but love.  “In our homes, …in our hearts, let us replace fear with Christ’s perfect love.” https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2017/04/perfect-love-casteth-out-fear?lang=eng

As in all parenting, love is the key:   Truly loving our kids into wanting to be good.  “We cannot force people into doing things,” taught President George Albert Smith  (Or, into desiring what we want them to desire, I would add),  “But we may love them into doing what is right,” He went on, “and into righteousness.”  https://www.lds.org/ensign/2001/10/latter-day-prophets-speak-strengthening-the-home?lang=eng

“If you can only convince your children that you love them, that your soul goes out to them for their good, that you are their truest friend, they, in turn, will place confidence in you and will love you and seek to do your bidding and to carry out your wishes with your love. But if you are selfish, unkindly to them, and if they are not confident that they have your entire affection, they will be selfish, and will not care whether they please you or carry out your wishes or not, and the result will be that they will grow wayward, thoughtless and careless.”  I absolutely love and live by this teaching of Joseph F. Smith.  He goes on to say, “I implore you to teach and control by the spirit of love and forbearance until you can conquer. If children are defiant and difficult to control, be patient with them until you can conquer by love, and you will have gained their souls, and you can then mold (sic) their characters as you please.” https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-joseph-f-smith/chapter-33?lang=eng&_r=1

If we can love our kids enough to sacrifice for them, they will gain strength and desire.  We can fast and pray for our kids we love so much, as Alma did in Alma 6:6.  And finally, we can let them see our own intense desire to be righteous and obey–they always learn the most from what we Are.  Sooner or later, these beloved kids will feel our love and want to follow.  And our next generation will not break the chains of the gospel we hold so dear.

Please comment below with how you have helped your kids want to be good.  Thanks so much for sharing!