Partnering with God
Parenting takes Confidence. If I’m feeling less than confident, what could I do?
First, there’s the foundation. If someone were to ask me just why all this is worth it in the first place, why marriage and families are so important, I want to be able to respond:
- The Family is the most important social unit in time and eternity!
- God has established families to bring happiness to His children, allow them to learn correct principles in a loving atmosphere, and prepare them for eternal life.
To accomplish these lofty goals in God’s Plan, we need His help. We cannot expect to do it alone. We need heaven’s help in raising our children, who are His children. They need to hear us ask for God’s help. We need to pray individually and together, every day—fervently, pleading for His Holy Spirit to guide us, influence us, and soften our hearts!!! President Hinckley says: “Pray with them. Pray for them and bless them…While they are young, pray with them that they may come to know that source of strength which shall then always be available in every hour of need.” Then we can move forward with Confidence. (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Gordon B. Hinckley, p. 169)
1. Confidence through Prayer.
I don’t know how anyone can be a parent without the help of the Spirit! We gain confidence through prayer and the promptings that we receive from the Holy Ghost after asking in prayer for them!
If one of our children is struggling, Mark and I take their name to the temple, where we pray for how to help them. Sometimes our prayer has to be to be able to love this child! It is a wonderful place to receive answers directly about that child.
Then we can say, confidently “I was praying about you, and these are the answers I got.” And then, armed with our promptings, we can give them evidence that we truly love them.
One year, our son wanted to try Freshman football at Mesa High. Practice was every day at 5:45am, and they stayed on campus for breakfast and getting ready for school. I was anxious about the whole thing, as he would miss family scripture time every day—he wouldn’t be fortified for the day! Not only that, I had heard about locker room talk, that it was less than uplifting! I prayed and then came up with a plan. I would wake early and read scriptures with him at 5:00 am, while he ate our breakfast. I volunteered to drive the early carpool, and on the way, we would sing a hymn (with the hopes that the words would stick in his mind throughout the day).
Certainly, it was intimidating to sing with three sleepy football buddies in my car. It took confidence each day to have them take turns picking out a hymn. But, I could be confident because I felt this plan was a prompting from heaven. Also, I had explained my concerns and love for them. Since then more than once, this son has thanked me for that season of sacrificing to start so early, for him.
2. Confident enough to set Rules and Boundaries.
Ideally, rules are set together, when we have talked over and explained the need for such boundaries. When the kids were little, we put the family rules to song, to get them into their head. When they grew older, we used a wonderful tool called a Family Policy Book.
I’m not sure where we got the idea for a Family Policy Book, but I think it was from Richard and Linda Eyre, founders of “Joy School.” It is simply a binder that contains the decisions we have already made as to Family Policy. When a question comes up, about various limits or curfews or policies, everyone can read what has already been decided. So there is no question, and nothing has to be revisited!
In our Family Policy book, we have at what age they can get their ears pierced, or have their own email account—and the rules that go with it. We have what age they can go to boy/girl activities, when they can double date, and when they can single date.
When a new dilemma comes up, Mark and I get together ahead of time to make sure we are on the same page (one in purpose). Then in a Family Council, we present the dilemma to everyone, and the need for limits. We try to help the kids see all sides of the issue, to listen to their point of view, and to reason with them, as well as express love and concern. We let them help make decisions, and help the family come to a consensus.
Occasionally, there might be an exception to the family policy, but we call it an exception and it is rare. See Family Policy Book post.
We have two little turtles, Speed and Crush. When we first inherited them, I simply put them in an aquarium. They were easy to care for there, and seemed fine. But after a couple of years, we realized that they just weren’t growing. So we moved them outside to the front planter for more sun. And soon, Speed got lost! We finally found him in the middle of the street! Fortunately, my daughter saw that tiny turtle before running over him! We added a board, to block off his escape and keep him where we could watch over them. So we learned a lesson in boundaries. Too tight of boundaries does not allow for growth, but too loose of boundaries does not allow for safety!3. Confident enough to require work.
Our teenagers these days are busy! But it’s OK to still require chores around the house and yard, scaled down if necessary to fit their busy schedules. We learned to require that if they couldn’t do their chore, they were expected to arrange someone to do it for them.
Teenagers feel good about paying their own way whenever possible. The things they pay for will mean so much more, if they earn them. So we encourage work for pay, such as yard work for neighbors, irrigation, and a vacation service—flexible work that they can fit in.
The home is the best place to teach, learn, and apply gospel principles. Also, in the home is where individuals learn to provide the food, clothing, shelter, and other necessities they need. They learn self-reliance. We must teach and provide opportunities to learn and practice self-reliance—along with the learning about our Heavenly Father.
4. Confident enough to hold regular Family Home Evening.
President Hinckley said, “If you have any doubt about the virtue of family home evening, try it. Gather your children about you, teach them, bear testimony to them, read the scriptures together and have a good time together.” Here’s why it is so important: “The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel” (Boyd K. Packer,“Little Children,” Ensign, Nov. 1986, 17).
We had firsthand experience with this: One week our family had experienced extra Contention. So we held a FHE all about Contention. The next week, the Contention was worse than ever! So we had to regroup! We decided to teach our next FHE on Peace and Being a Peacemaker. And it made a big difference in our home. When we taught the Principle, the Behavior changed.
Family Home Evening is where no one is singled out. We are all working on these principles. And everyone gets a treat just for being a member of the family!
5. Confident to have Conversation.
The dinner table is an excellent place to share tender mercies of that day, or missionary opportunities, or even something funny that happened. This is where we exemplify our daily gospel living.
Another way to have conversation is to have Interviews. Here is where we tune in to specific needs of each child. Mark likes to do interviews on the back porch swing; I like to have us both sit on my bed. We start with a prayer, and our first question, “What is on your mind.” Our kids know what they will then be asked, as we typed up the questions—much like a temple recommend interview. Our hope is that the lines of communication are staying opened. And that they will grow confident that we understand them. Here we can again express praise, and our belief in them.
When we found that data had been added to our family plan for cell phones, we were suddenly in need of some concrete limits on cell phone usage. Although we had discussed computer boundaries, such as using the internet only in the family room, we now had to talk about when and where we could use internet on their cell phones. We decided together to add a filter to phones, and asked the kids to continue to only use the internet in the family room, even on phones. Our family set limits on playing games on their phones, and what time to stop texting. We added an addendum to our list of Interview questions, to ask about their screen time, especially on their phones.
6. Confident enough to give Encouragement:
“Encouragement that is quick to compliment and slow to criticize.” Gordon B. Hinkley https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-of-presidents-of-the-church-gordon-b-hinckley/chapter-11-home-the-basis-of-a-righteous-life?lang=eng From the beginning of our marriage, we tried to live a very important principle: Forget the bad and Tell the good.
A previous Stake President of ours gave us a Two-Parent plan for getting a teenager through a time of crisis. He told us to have one parent work with the student directly and see it through and the other parent focuses on ways to shower more love. Say a teenager is having a meltdown over a school project due soon. One of us jumps in head on and calms her down, gives suggestions and helps. The other parent remains quiet about the issue, but may bring some juice for her to drink or offer to take over her chores for that night to just show love. We’ve tried it and found it works well.
7. Confidence because we Partner with God.
Like Abraham of old, we have made a covenant with God, that He would be our God and that we would be His people. Let us claim every blessing of this covenant, even the blessing of prosperous, happy, secure families! We are promised that, through obedience He will prosper us—this includes prospering us in our family relationships.
What if in our parenting, we Mess up? We totally blow it? Actually, that is Wonderful! Our mistakes are a chance to teach the Atonement of Jesus Christ–that because of the Savior, we can try over and over again and again.
The last week of school, I was working on the computer when my 6th grade son called from across the family room, “Hey, Mom! Do you want to see my power point? It’s your last chance to see it before it erases tomorrow.” “Sure!” I said, though I kept typing. So he brought the lap top over to the counter near me and opened it up. It was all about the island of Fiji, and I turned to look at it with him. He started through, but I immediately pointed out a misspelled word. “The teacher doesn’t care about those,” he said. But I countered with reasons he needs to do excellent work, and fix any errors. He went on, but when I had the chance, I went back to my typing a little bit—I was Almost Done, then I could give him my undivided attention, I told myself. “Mom. You’re not even looking!” “Yes, I am. You were busy for a minute,” was my reply. So he went through the rest of it, and I asked questions about it and told him how well he had done. And that was that.
The next morning, I woke up feeling like I had really messed up. This boy’s high-school aged siblings were getting so much recognition the past few days, and what about him, seated there in the audience with us over and over? This Presentation was where I should have given him his share! I felt awful. Why didn’t I go and sit next to him on the couch and really experience his view of Fiji with him. Why did I immediately try to Fix Things, rather than point out all the amazing photos and set up he had done! I knew to do that!! I had learned these things time and again on his 12 older siblings! Still I messed up!
As I often do, I prayed for a second chance. Please, let me figure out a way to make this right, and to give this son the praise he deserved! An idea came!! I turned to Mark, and told him the story. “Please,” I asked him, “would you look at his presentation this morning, and make a big deal about it? I’d be so grateful!” So later after breakfast, I was able to say, “Mark, you gotta see this presentation on Fiji! It is amazing!” He came over and gave his undivided attention (like I should have). The Lord also gave me a second chance to praise and build up the good in my son.
Isn’t the Atonement wonderful?! We can show them repentance. And truly, our children learn the most from what we are.
“And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.” 2 Nephi 25:26.
Repentance and change are the essence of the Gospel of Christ. Let’s accept God’s Plan and His Son fully. Today we can start a path of Partnership with God, Trusting Him. Today we can begin to prosper in our families. Because of Christ, we can move forward with confidence, knowing that today is the first day of the rest of our lives!
Please note: A special thanks to Mark. He and I worked together on this message, when we were asked to give a talk on Confident Parenting in our Stake Conference.
We’d love to hear your comments!