An Amazing Family Reunion Tool!

Thanksgiving season is upon us soon, and the chance to be with family!  How we love to get together!  But does your family experience what mine does, that the conversation remains superficial?  No one goes very deep into what is really going on in their lives lately or how they feel!  At our family reunions, I noticed that most of the time it was my brothers and sisters who were doing the talking, and the brother-and sister-in-laws seemed to defer to the siblings.  I longed for them to speak up, and I longed for some depth.

What is really going on in the lives of these people that I love?  How do we reach deeper into the souls of those we love?  How do we encourage them to open up, while still helping them feel safe?  One way is to use a Questionnaire.

We had one Thanksgiving reunion at a church with just my kids and their families.  We played games in the cultural hall until time for dinner.  The tables were arranged in a square, with everyone facing in.  One of my sons brought his new girlfriend for us to meet (a wonderful girl that we hoped he would marry)!  In order to get to know her better and have her get to know us better, I had typed up a questionnaire.  As I recall, it had 5 or 6 questions on it, starting with What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? and What is your favorite animal?  Then came, What would you do if you had a whole Saturday free and money was not on issue? And at the end were, What is one thing you are proud of that you accomplished this last year?  And What is one thing you hope to accomplish this coming year?  We went around the table and everyone shared.  It took awhile, but it was delightful!  We all learned things about each other that we hadn’t known before.  It really created a bond between us.

Since the beginning questions were so safe, it broke the ice.  And gradually, everyone could open up more and more.

Another time, we used a questionnaire at a Laurel retreat for 16- and 17-year old girls.  We gave the girls six questions and they could choose which ones they wanted to answer.  Again, there were several that were totally comfortable for anyone, then the later ones were more about life and testimony.  One or two of the girls only answered the earlier ones, and all the rest answered all six, but it didn’t matter.  Everyone participated, and everyone felt fine about it.  All grew in their love for one another.

I have learned that some people will run with it, and want to tell more and will even interject another thought later.  Others are hesitant to speak up.  For them, I always include one or two safe questions, those easy to answer for anyone, and even a one-word answer is fine.  It still serves a purpose to let us get to know that person a little bit better.  They have contributed, and feel fine, as does everyone else!

1. Sample questions to choose from–or come up with your own!

Family Questionnaire

(Notice that the questions get increasingly deeper.)

What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

If you could be any animal, what would it be?

Of all the places in the world, where would you like to visit?

If you could meet any person, who would it be?

If you had a day with nothing you had to do, what would you pick to do?

What is one thing of which you are especially pleased from the past year?

What is one of your plans for the coming year?

What do you picture yourself doing in 10 years?

What advice do you have for us?

Who is your Hero?  Why are they your hero? What makes them heroic?

When, where, and how are you in your element?  What makes you tick?

What is your big, hairy, audacious goal?

What is a tender mercy that you have recently experienced?

If you had one thing from this past year mentioned in your eulogy, what would it be?

What is one way the Lord has taught you or done especially for you this past year?  (And how has your testimony grown?)

2. The best approach

• Pick about 5-6 for family members to choose from. (And save the rest for the next time you get together!)
• Type them out and give a copy to everyone.
• Begin with the safer questions.
• Go around the circle and have everyone participate. If it is set up for random volunteers, only the more outgoing will participate.

One reunion of my siblings and their families, I tried to do this off the cuff, with no advanced preparation.  It didn’t work.  There was no list in front of them, and we jumped right in to a deep one.  So it never took off.  The next time we got together, however, I followed the above rules, and it worked beautifully!  There was such a great connection to each other.  We left feeling like we were closer and more connected; we knew each other a whole lot better.  In fact, I’d say that was the sweetest part of that occasion.

3. An exception that worked

Another summer, it was time for a reunion of my Dad’s family.  I rarely got to go to these reunions, and I felt like I really didn’t know these relatives very well.  When we all arrived at the small town where it was held, we all found ourselves sitting on the church lawn in a big circle.  It was about 45 minutes until the planned activities started.  “This would be a perfect time for a questionnaire!”  I told myself.  But I had no paper, nor any way to type one up.  I was so nervous about taking charge like that!   But I knew this was my chance to make a connection with these relatives!  So with a little prayer and all the courage I could muster, I spoke up: “Let’s go around the circle and get to know each other a little better.  I have two questions, and everyone can decide which one they want to answer:  1.  What is your favorite animal?  Or 2.  If you could talk to one person in heaven, who would it be?  So, we started around the circle.  And everyone participated!

For some, it was just a quick answer about an animal they liked.  But for most, it was the other one, such as “I have always wanted to meet Abraham Lincoln.” Gradually, as more and more opened up, there were some tender feelings shared.  Several got emotional as they told how much they wanted to talk to a mother who had passed away years ago.  Some really shared more than just a quick answer.  But whatever anyone said was just fine, and totally accepted by the group.  It was so sweet to get to know these more distant relatives better.

May these ideas help your family grow in their love and connections to one another too!

I’d love your comments below!