Their Reality
Have you ever watched the 3-year olds at a Primary Presentation? There they are standing there in front of the congregation in all their cuteness, with big eyes—and absolutely not singing. But they think they are! Many a Primary Chorister knows that these little kids can belt out these songs at the top of their voices, but with all the people looking at them, they don’t sing a syllable! Still, when they skip down to their moms and dads, they might just say, “Didn’t I sing good?” They heard the song loud and clear—and are sure they were singing it too!
Or there’s the time when a little one begs to come up to bear their testimony. And when Mom or Dad finally does bring them up, they clam up. Mom or Dad might say a few words of testimony, but the child absolutely believes they DID bear their own testimony! This perception is their reality.
Sometimes we parents feel the need to tell the child what REALLY happened. “No, you didn’t say anything!” we might correct. But really, it that necessary? If the child just KNOWS he did it—since he heard it—isn’t that ok? It’s all about perception. I submit that sometimes when we hear something, we perceive that we actually said it—really. The kids aren’t lying! To explore this idea further:
1. Apologies
Say, “I’m Sorry!” we prompt our kids and wait for the response. But I have had young children sincerely insist they did say it. When I prompted, “I’m Sorry!” they think they actually did said those words. So I have learned to let that count. Rather than continue the conflict, waiting and insisting the words come out of their mouths, I like to accept that, and turn to positive living again. “Reproving betimes with sharpness” the scriptures about discipline tell us (Doctrine & Covenants 121:43). The word betimes means early, soon, or quickly. So if a child hears the apology and really thinks they did the required attempt at repentance, I like to move to the positive again, and find good things to point out. It’s great to move back to watering what we WANT to grow, rather than pointing out what they didn’t do–especially if they think they did!
2. Obedience
Mark and I, when wanting to teach quick obedience to us, decided to prompt our kids to say, “OK, Mom!” or “OK, Dad!” Mark would help them obey me, and I would prompt them to obey him. So if I said, “Please get on your jammies,” Mark would answer, “OK, Mom!” And if he said, “Come to the table for dinner,” I’d speak up with “Ok, Dad.” Sometimes, we noticed that when the kids heard these words, they thought they had said it. So rather than wait for and insist upon those actual words coming out of their mouths, we focused instead on having them become their automatic response. Heard often enough, we hoped that the words “OK Mom (or Dad)” would be the first thought that came to them when asked to do something. And for the most part, that is what we observed happen.
Once again, when they thought they said it, it was just like actually saying it. And then, with the pattern established, they did say it!
3. Put Words in their Mouths
One of our kids was told in their patriarchal blessing, to “put words in your children’s mouths.” I found several places that this actual phrase is used in scripture, such as: “And thou shalt speak unto him, and put words in his mouth: and I will be with thy mouth, and with his mouth, and will teach you what ye shall do.” (Exodus 4:15) This taught me that repeating what we want them to say is most valuable to teach them. Also that the Lord will give us as parents the words to teach them. His Spirit will prompt us the best way to phrase something for that child. However, I don’t think the requirement is to stand over them and wait for the words to be repeated back exactly then.
4. Give the Benefit of the Doubt
If we believe in our children, they will believe in themselves, and they will learn to trust others and give them the benefit of the doubt. In fact, if we believe in them—even if they may not be telling the truth—it could possibly be for the best anyway. Say a child tells a lie. If we believe them, their guilty conscience may just do the teaching. One renowned counselor put it this way: “When we criticize people, their consciences console them. When we love them, their consciences indict them.”
― C. Terry Warner, Bonds the Make Us Free.
5. Accentuate the Positive.
Rather than spending time debating over what was actually said, we can spend the time praising the child. No matter if he actually said I’m sorry or just thinks he did, we can praise them for apologizing. “I’m so proud of you for apologizing. Doesn’t it feel good inside?”
I’m sure there is a time to talk about what actually happened instead of just what is perceived. But not always. May we have the discernment to know which. And may we love our children enough to make the effort to figure out just where they are coming from—what they say and what they meant or what they think they said.
God counts the desires of our hearts along with our works, like when he mentions blessings to benefit “those who love me and keep all my commandments, and him that seeketh so to do” (D & C 46:9). We too should take into account the thoughts and desires of our children.
Please comment below with your thoughts.