Making Our Own Sunshine

         

            I remember as a little girl absolutely loving it when my Mommy was happy!  My whole world was okay if she smiled and was cheerful.  But if Mommy was sad, the world was a miserable place. I remember the intense longing: “Mommy, please just be happy!” 

Fast forward, and now I’m the mom.  Am I happy?  Recently, I was asked, “Is motherhood enjoyable to you?”  The interviewer followed her question up with, “You must have found It enjoyable, since you kept having kids!” (Mom Training podcast by Diana Ballard). I remembered back to when as a young girl, I discovered the book Cheaper By the Dozen. I was entranced by the idea that the Gilberts worked together to give their kids all kinds of experiences, such as learning Morse code by painting it all over the walls of their lighthouse summer getaway, and teaching all the kids a touch system of typing by covering all the keys!  This family seemed to enjoy each other, and their eccentric dad and wise mother.  That, along with the “mothering” I got to do as 2^nd of eleven kids growing up helped me decide that I wanted twelve kids of my own!

            I was blessed with easy pregnancies.  In fact, I loved being pregnant!  I also had good deliveries.  So, I had those twelve kids.  Then, although I was approaching 40, I asked Mark one night, “You know, we could have one more!”  I really wanted one more pregnancy experience, and one more child.  Though difficult, It’s also sweet to be pregnant, to feel the spirit of that perfect little one within us.  I would feel a real void every time the baby had come out and was no longer within me.  (Of course, then I had a whole different sweetness, a baby to love and get to know.)  Ironically, this time our baby didn’t come right when we wanted him—it was four years later that number thirteen joined our family.  We give thanks for #13, our youngest, daily!  It was the same year that the grandchildren started coming, so we love that in a family this size, there is always a baby to love!

1. It’s All About Our Perspective

            Enjoyment is a product of how we look at things. “If my kids are my purpose, I love it,” said a young mom in my daughter’s housing complex. “At the end of the day, I did my to-do list, cuz they were it!  But if I see them as in my way, it is not enjoyable.  It’s all in how you look at it.”  These wise words hit the nail on the head about perspective. Do we see our kids as preventing us from our life or being our life at this time?

            A neighbor friend told also taught me about perspective when she shared her experience when her husband died, leaving her with six young children.  She figured out a way to work at home, in order to be near them all.  But it sure was stressful, to be both mom and dad to these kids, and to work to provide for them as well as rear them. One day, she felt so stressed at trying to run a household while doing her job!  In the midst of her meltdown, however, she suddenly had a change of heart. “Wait. . .”I Choose this!” she realized.  “I am so blessed to be able to be home with my kids and do my business here.  I am just where I want to be!”  And making that realization changed everything.  “I wouldn’t change a thing” is a wonderful perspective to have, as well as, “I wouldn’t trade my challenges with anyone else.”  With our attitude adjustments, we can see the positive, focus on it, and enjoy the season we are at! 

            I love being a stay-at-home (work-at-home) mom!  I am so grateful to my husband for working hard to support us so I can.  I love being my own boss, and planning my own day, spending it molding characters, helping kids make connections and have great experiences. Yes, I have to manage money wisely.  Yes, my day is filled with lots of service, but giving service can sure be rewarding.

2. It’s All about Our Self-Talk

            Everyone has plenty of chance all day long to talk to themselves.  One guestimate was that we tell ourselves 150-300 words a minute, or nearly 50,000 thoughts per day! (https://inspiyr.com/the-incredible-power-of-self-talk).  In order to be happy, we have to check what it is we tell ourselves and tweak it to lift us rather than drag us down. Moms have lots of worries, but do we say to ourselves, “I hate this!”  or instead, “I got this! What a great challenge!” or “Boy, this is tough.  I know I can do it, but I’m sure going to need the Spirit to help me.” We have to pay attention to our self-talk and let it be a tool rather than a stick to beat ourselves with and make things worse.  Our brains are powerful, and we can choose what we tell them and how we program them!

3. The Power of Gratitude         

I discovered that the beginning and end of the day especially matter.  One morning, I realized that when I first woke up, I was usually talking pretty negatively to myself.  I decided to start the day with gratitude. The scriptures tell us “When thou risest in the morning, let thy heart be full of thanks unto God” (Alma 37:37). I have thought about that:  we LET our hearts be thankful. A small change, but a good dose of optimism really makes for a better day: “This is going to be fun today!  I can do this!” 

When I was pregnant—I had lots of pregnancies and they were mostly easy ones—things would get hard towards the end when I was big and swollen and exhausted.  I remember sitting in the car, at 8 months along, looking at my house and thinking to myself, “I can’t go back in there!”  To get past these negative feelings, I learned to force myself to turn to gratitude. Sometimes with clenched teeth, I would say in my head, “I am sooooo…” then finish the sentence with “Grateful!”  There was ALWAYS something to be grateful for!  Maybe it was a pretty sky or a breeze that came along. Maybe it was a smile or a cute remark from one of the kids. Or maybe it was this kitchen gadget in front of me that sure saved me time! There was always something.

Another time, I realized that at night, before bed, Mark and I would talk over the past day.  Tired as we were then, we would often talk over what went wrong that day.  In fact, I would wake with a headache if I fell asleep dwelling on the negative. 

            Then, I noticed a real change in one of my sons.  Before the winter break from school, he had dragged around, looking like he carried a heavy weight.  And he did:  he took hard high school classes and played high school basketball, a time-consuming sport.  He had a lot on his plate, and it was getting him down.  Then, after the break, I noticed a spring in his step.  This son was happy—he went around smiling!  What had changed?  He still had the same hard classes and basketball season was still going.  I asked this son, “What changed?”  Turns out, while looking at the Christmas lights at the temple, a missionary had approached this son and in the course of the conversation, had given him a challenge.  “I want you to write down 10 things you are thankful for each night.” So, he had begun that practice.  And it changed his whole demeaner and outlook!  

            “I want to try this!”  I decided.  I put a notebook by my bed and started jotting down my gratitude. Anything I had liked that day went on my list. And to my delight, I began to wake the next day with No more headaches!  My focus before bed had changed, and I went to sleep dwelling on the good. I learned for myself the power of gratitude.    

4. We give them Each Other

I had a friend who had very difficult pregnancies.  She was filled with guilt about how neglected she felt her kids were when she was going through another hard pregnancy.  “You gave them each other!” was my response to her.  Her kids looked out for each other when Mom didn’t feel well and helped meet each other’s needs.  What a gift to give them relationships with their siblings—and how much they learn and teach each other.  Often, they grow up to be each other’s very best friends.  We can enjoy watching our kids learn from each other and let that be a source of our happiness.

5. Capture the Moments

            At the “I Am Mom” summit last spring, Rachel Nielson urged moms to find “perfect moments” each day.  Rather than expect an entirely great day all the time, look for the wonderful moments—and record them. Further, she says to use all five senses to really absorb that moment.  What did I see, hear, smell, touch, or taste?  Cement those in your mind, she says, and you will have a perfect moment to keep as yours. And thus, build your happiness. For example, one of hers was when her son got off the school bus, stretched out his arms, and ran to her!  She emblazoned that moment into her mind and wrote it down in detail, so that this moment would be hers to relive and enjoy.  (“Joy in Motherhood” from her “3 in 30” podcast).  I got another notebook and started noticing.  It’s fun to “collect” wonderful moments and write them down to capture them.  It truly makes motherhood and life more enjoyable. 

 6.  As the Kids Grow Up. 

In this interview about motherhood being enjoyable, the podcaster asked me if motherhood was still enjoyable with most of my kids grown up.  I told her that as they grow up, they still need a mom, but also a friend and confidant.  It’s sweet to grow in our friendship. I admitted that it’s more complicated now, when they’re not under my roof.  But as they grow, they become more like my pals.  I love that my children have married well and so, they have a partner to watch over them.  But I love the challenge of still being there for my grown kids when they need a sounding board.  I love all the new people I am getting to know—the family they marry into and the new wonderful little people they bring into this word.  I also love the challenge of connecting with each grandchild, and of being a part of their lives, even from afar.

“It’s a mind game” my friend would tell me.  Motherhood really is. “Life is a smile so find it.  Put your face behind it.”  Remember that old song, “You Gotta Make Your Own Sunshine” by Neil Sedaka? The song tells us, “Just get yourself up, don’t ever complain.  Before you walk in the sun, you gotta laugh in the rain.” I love how this song tells us to create our own happiness and enjoyment. There is joy and happiness to be found.  We just have to find the right perspective, the gratitude, and the moments of peace or delight.  We can find them, capture them, and create our own happiness.