Being There
A Constant in their Lives
I asked one of my older kids what was their favorite childhood memory. Turns out, it was when she had a terrible earache that woke her and kept her up all night. “You looked at photo albums with me for a long time,” this daughter told me. “Then, even though you were tired and had a lot planned for the next day, you stayed up and watched a movie with me, instead of going to bed. It meant so much for you to be there all that hard night.” Being there made all the difference. Here are some ways to be there for our kids:
1. Stories
Another daughter who was far away at college had already been through two days and a night of intense pain and vomiting when a scan showed she had a kidney stone. Kidney stones are spiky, and they rip up the lining of the ureter, as they make their way down and pass through. so they are extremely painful. She was given a pain killer at the ER, but it left her with a severe headache, that got worse with each dose. Lying down made the pain worse too, so she took to walking.
As she walked around the indoor track at the school, she and I talked over the phone about this and that. We love telling each other stories of a book or movie we recently watched, and doing this was enough distraction to help her keep going. Then, later that night when it was 2:30am her time, she was trying to hold out until her 3am dose of pain medicine. Once again she started walking, this time in the dark around her apartment complex. I was so glad I heard the beep of her call—at 10:30pm my time. I came up with another story from a movie I had seen recently.
As we talked she felt a stabbing pain downward. We kept talking, and the distraction of our conversation bought her some time. In fact, she decided to skip the 3am dose, to avoid more headache, and the kidney stone passed shortly after. Later, she told me she couldn’t have gotten through her ordeal without the stories, and thanked me for being there.
2. Support
Several of my children found that singing a solo in front of a judge is petrifying. And even worse, is when you have to sing your solo in front of your peers at school! I used to wonder why my children would want me to accompany them on the piano, when there was a very probable chance of my making mistakes. Why didn’t they just have the professional accompanist who was available play for them for Regional or All-state auditions? Well, there is a lot of anxious waiting that goes along with these tryouts, and so I decided that just having someone there who believes in them and loves them is what they are looking for. Just the presence of a secure constant in their lives must have been worth the risk of a few wrong notes.
3. A Listening Ear
I got through high school because my mom was there for me. Many a tough day at high school, I would hold on until I got to Seminary class, where I had a chance to call my mom. That often got me through. She cared if I messed up at something or forgot something. She was the only one I could brag to about a good grade on a test. In fact, she would listen and cheer me on no matter what. Mom was There. And that daily call was what I needed to carry on and to keep doing my best each day.
When I was raising my kids, another mom, a friend of mine, would never join in our neighborhood carpools. Turns out, she wanted the time in the car to spend one on one with her child. She had a captive audience, and could find out all kinds of details about what was going on in her child’s life during her commutes. It was her way of being there each day.
4. Conversation
Likewise, I have found myself driving my youngest to school this year. It is a 15-20 minute drive, and I have determined to resist any urge to scold or teach or give advice. Instead, I save up interesting things to talk about, whether it be something I read or have heard or have wondered. I ask him a question about a subject, and he usually has an idea or opinion on it—and the message he gets is that I value his opinion. We have great conversations and I can throw in a compliment or two to build him up. By the time we get to school—if I have stuck with my plan—both of us are in a good mood and ready to take on the day. I give him a cheerful send off, express my love, and feel like his cup has been filled. It is a wonderful way for me to be there for him. Kids face a lot at school, and our being there can make a big difference.
5. Tag Team
So one of my kids is a perfectionist. When there is a large assignment to do, this one has trouble even starting because it might not be perfect. And halfway through, they want to give up since it seems overwhelming to do it all and do it perfectly! Well, we were given a wonderful “crisis plan” from our church leader: a tag team plan. One parent takes on the crisis head on. The other parent backs off and simply provides loving outside support.
So once when this child had a project—due tomorrow, of course—I took on the challenge to be the parent who tackled it head on. First, we listed out each step that needed to be done. Then, I endured the tirades and tears and kept coaxing this child to be back on task—determined that I would not leave. Mark, on the other hand, stepped back and didn’t comment. He did, however, bring a snack and a drink of water. He did that child’s chores for them and just offered support. Our child was not overpowered with two on one, which may have happened had both of us had given an opinion on how to proceed. But this way, both the need for help and the need for empathy were both met. It was a great formula for being there.
I learned the power of being there firsthand when I was in the hospital before having my twins. I was so miserable: I had this huge tummy with way too much water (8-10 liters rather than the usual 1-2 liters) and it was excruciating to lie on my back. But I had to wait out the 48 hours needed to stress these babies’ premature lungs to help them develop. The medication to hold off my labor made me shake. And I could not stay still. In fact, I would turn my ginormous tummy to one side, then have to have three monitors readjusted, and stay there as long as I could, then do It all again. Everyone in the room was getting irritated with me. I so longed to sleep, but when they gave me a sleeping pill it lodged in my throat!
Then, my sister came into the room. She listened to me tell all my woes, as well as worries for my babies. As we talked, my shaking subsided. I was still for quite a long time. No one could understand the change, but looking back, I know that it was my sister just being there with me in my misery. There was no explanation physically, but just the emotional support changed everything. This experience taught me the value of a caring person simply being with someone in their trial.
May we realize how much we mean to our kids by simply being there. May we be the listening ear, with empathy and with constancy. May our children plant their foundation on our firm, constant one and may they thrive for it!