Breaking Bad Habits
Some habits are super hard to break! How do we help our kids do it? Here are three different ways parent have found success stopping extra persistent habits:
1. Thumb Sucking
There once was a little girl who desperately wanted to quit sucking her thumb! She was almost ready for school—and she didn’t want to suck her thumb there! Her parents had tried everything to help her: awful tasting things on her thumb, punishments, rewards, soap—every suggestion anyone came up with! This little girl decided that she simply could not do it—she could not overcome that bad habit.
Then one day, her father—we’ll call him Curtis—had an idea! He sat down next to her and asked her, “Do you know what Habits are?” Then he explained that they were something you do over and over, almost without thinking about it. He mentioned good habits like brushing teeth each night, or saying prayers before climbing into bed. But there are bad habits too—that we wish we wouldn’t do! “You mean like sucking my thumb,” she replied. “Yeah, like that.” Curtis then told her he had a bad habit that he wanted to break. “Would you help me?” “Sure, Dad!” “What if we both worked on breaking our habit together? And when we are done, we can pick some special way to celebrate.”
Curtis knew how badly his little girl wanted to get her ears pierced. “What if we went to go get your ears pierced together, once we meet our goal and break our bad habit?” “Oh, Yes!” was her reply, so excited to reach this goal with her dad and get her cherished wish. In fact, with this new momentum, she quit Cold Turkey! This little girl who thought she couldn’t quit, immediately broke her habit and not one more time did she suck her thumb! At the end of the week, they were both ready to go celebrate, and she had a lovely pair of earrings in her newly pierced ears to remind her of her bad habit she broke! Curtis had taken the time to pray about and receive a prompting that would give his daughter success.
2. Electronics Overboard
There once was a young boy who was heavily into video games. In fact, this 11-year old boy was so entrenched in his video game that all he ever talked about were video games. Even in church, to his teacher’s chagrin, the only comments he made included some reference to his game. Pretty soon, the teacher quit calling on him because it would distract the class away from the principle being taught. When asked, “what did you do this week?” he only replied “Play video games.” And his only conversation, even in sacred places, was funny remarks that referred to a video game. They were totally taking over his life.
Then one day, this teacher hesitatingly called on this young man when he raised his hand in class, cringing. He actually made a good comment! What had changed? Turns out, his mom—we’ll call her Heather—had grounded him from video games for the summer! It was hard for her to do, when he loved them so much, but she gathered up her courage and did it. She also had to be vigilant in following through with the plan. Along with rules and consequences, “We teach them Correct Principles, and they Govern Themselves.” Joseph Smith
But happily, that was all it took to get back a normal, well-rounded young man, free from his addiction. Instead of video games, Heather has helped this boy learn to spend his time making friends, and playing with them outside! His mind was clear from his habit, and he quickly replaced it with good activities. She loved him too much to let this just slide.
3. Touching Their Privates
There once was a young girl who had developed the habit of masturbation. She had such a severe problem with masturbation that she did it constantly. It was almost time for her to start school, to her parents—we’ll call them Jim and Pat—were motivated to try anything to help her. They searched and searched and went to doctors and psychologists. Finally, they pieced together their new approach.
The root of the problem lied in processing emotion, they found out. Their child simply didn’t know a healthy way to process emotions that she felt. Jim and Pat noticed that when their daughter was extra happy, she would masturbate; when she was embarrassed, she would do it, and when she was sad or lonely, she would also stimulate herself. They learned that they needed to validate each emotion that came up, whether it was a positive or a negative emotion and show her how to respond.
They set out to do that. When this daughter had reason to feel joy, they would talk her through it: “You must feel so happy about this! I bet you feel like jumping for joy! Maybe you could call Grandma to tell her about this happy event.” When she was embarrassed, they would talk her through that: “Was spilling that soup embarrassing for you? It must feel embarrassing to spill it on your clothes for everyone to see. I felt that way when I tripped. It feels bad, but just laugh about it or talk about something else and soon everyone will forget it ever happened.”
When her friend moved away, they might say,”Does it make you feel lonely, now that this friend is gone? Do you feel empty in your heart, and sad that she can’t come play anymore? It must be really hard to be alone without a friend! Maybe we could write her a letter or call her at her new house. Would you like to draw a picture of her to remember her better?
And so, Mike and Pat set out to validate each emotion and help her recognize good ways to respond. It took a lot of time and it took a while to change habits, but when needs were being met, the old patterns of negative responses changed.
(It is normal for a young child to become aware of private parts and explore them a bit. And it is usually best to give little or no attention to the matter, and let it dissipate. Likely, children only need to be told once that we don’t play with our special body parts. And that will be enough.) But regardless, it is good to look at how we help our kids learn about emotion, feel it, be validated for the feelings they have, and learn healthy ways to respond. We have to be careful not to say, “Don’t feel that way” and instead say “I hope you get over this soon” or “I hope you can forgive.”
All this takes time and prayer. But it is rewarding to guide our children into healthier happier habits and give them a more successful life! Once again, the Answer is More Love!