Teach them Who They Are.
Our teens have it hard these days. It’s tricky to do school online. It is frustrating to hear and understand the teacher. It is easy for attention to drift elsewhere! They are stuck at home so many hours of the day, that they can go stir-crazy! They spend so much time on a screen, then so much time on their phones! They get going in a downward cycle!
A father was talking about his teenage boy recently—I’ll call him Connor. This father said “Connor is bitter about everything these days!” This son had spent almost every minute of the last 8 months inside their home, and was on the path to self-destruct!
Here are some ideas that might break a downward cycle (I have focused on a teenage son, but the same ideas could help a daughter as well):
- Hug Daily—Everyone needs touch. Some like it more than others, but all need that contact that tells them they are loved. Resist the tendency to only call out, “Good Night!” or “See you later!” But take these opportunities to give a real hug that tells your teen “I really do love you!”
- Praise Daily—What ever we water will grow. So what we want to grow, we must water. Look hard and find the things your teen is doing right! Praise him for his choice of music. Catch him when he has combed his hair, and tell him how good he looks. Thank him for fixing his own lunch!
Praise him for the little things he does right, then keep an eagle eye out for the bigger things he does well. For sticking with a hard situation; for doing his chores well; for reading scriptures with the family. High five him for treating a sibling well, for getting that assignment in, for spending his time or money wisely.
I found myself focusing on the times my son forgot to plug in his phone at the right time at night, and found that the problem grew. So I decided to praise him up and down when he remembered. If I told him, “You are getting so responsible, and I am starting to trust you more and more,” it would be a huge boost to him right now.
- Boys who are cooped indoors all day are usually filling their extra time with video games. It is important to know what games your son is playing, to check them for too much violence, and to set and stick to limits. If a teenage son is approaching addiction to video cames, I would boldly recommend that the parents tell him how much they love him and want his happiness, and then take away all video games for a month. If he slips up, they should have him start over for the 30 days. That will give him incentive to do it. I have studied the effect of interactive screen time on our kids and a solution, see Don’t My Kids Need to be Tech Savvy? | The Answer Is More Love
- Then, they must help him feel his extra time with something new: cooking? whittling? reading–even novels or comic books? Arm wrestling? chess? a puzzle? 3D printing?–something new.
- Boys need to work. It could be gardening in the backyard, washing the car, mowing for neighbors, or a job. Fast food, or Discount Tires are a place to start. I realize they have to quarantine, but inventing work in the backyard is just fine. A wise man told me that “if our young men do not work, they will deny the faith.” It’s that important.
- Boys need to get their energy out! It would be so ideal if young Connor could run. If he could be motivated with a reason to run before breakfast or to run for so many days without missing for a sum of money. Running is magical for the mind and the body. It generates endorphins. It builds confidence. If he had a mentor to run with–or ride bikes with–it would be super. Borrow an extra bike someone has, until he earns his own.
- Keep the Spirit in your Home. Play uplifting music and/or sing the hymns as a family. Try to keep the conversation upbeat and positive, even in hard times.
WE must teach the truth in our homes. Remember that “true doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior.” (Boyd K. Packer, “Do Not Fear,” Ensign May 2004). (See also Alma 31:5). So rather than focusing on behavior, focus on the doctrine, to change behavior.
Read scriptures and talk about them. Even if your teen is sulking, he will hear the words and may even join the conversation. Be sure to listen intently to any comment he has to offer, and thank him for it—even if you don’t quite agree with his perspective. Just keep humbly teaching the truth from the scriptures, and it will make a difference. Tell him something you read that day, that touched you or answered your prayer.
Teach the Plan of Salvation and who your teen really is, a Child of God with great potential. “It is imperative that our teens know who they really are. Our youth cannot wait for the world to right itself before they come to know the Savior. Some are making decisions even now that they would not make if they understood their true identities—and His.”(“Finding Joy in Christ,” Steven J. Lund. Ensign, November 2020).
What if your teen doesn’t come to family scriptures? Forcing is never the Lord’s way. But consequences are. When one of my children slept through scriptures, even after several calls to come, we would go ahead. We would call again for family prayer as well. When that child finally came in, I would express how important it was to us that they be fortified every day with “scripture power!” I would read the part they missed while they ate breakfast. And share our discussion that morning. Then, I would remind them the consequence our family had come up with—a 9:00 bedtime that night, so they would be sure to be able to wake up the next morning. “It’s that important,” I would insist. The goal was that this teen felt our love as parents and our real concern for them, and our desire to guard that child against the world, and decide to come. (We’ve also been known to take Scripture Time into a sleepy teen’s bedroom, to give the message that we didn’t want them to miss, even if they had stayed up late studying, the night before!)
When my 4th son was a missionary in Nebraska, His mission president assigned him a new companion. This companion was a young man who considered himself a nobody. He had never done a sport, he had not excelled in academics, he had not done music, or art or anything. He was overweight. He was socially backward. He was struggling on this mission and he very likely thought, “This is just how I am. And I can’t change.”
Well, my son decided to try something to get this young man out of his rut. So one morning, he said, “Elder, let’s go jogging.” “No Way! I can’t run! I can’t. I don’t want to. I can’t!” But with encouragement, he put on some tennis shoes and did a very slow jog, for maybe half a block! All the while complaining and breathing extra hard.
They stuck with it, day after day. There were setbacks. There was soreness. There was much more, ”I can’ts!” My son would have to literally push him up the Omaha hills some days. But slowly, gradually, he learned that he can! He started to focus on his improvement at running. He actually could Do Something Hard! And with this new power—and the help of the Savior’s love—He could amount to something. He actually could help teach the gospel to others! The last day of their companionship, this Elder ran 3 miles. It was very slow, but he did it! And he was so excited!
I love this story. My son didn’t tell me it—it was from his mission president who told me of this wonderful change in this young man’s life that will bless countless people for the rest of his life. He found power. He found he could change. How? He changed his focus. And let the Savior help Him change. He had been given a wonderful body and mind, and now he was taking charge of it.
The bottom line it this: trough all of your efforts, be sure to Save the Relationship! (See Just Save the Relationship | The Answer Is More Love). It won’t be that long before this teen will be out of your home and on his own. So while you have a chance, keep a loving relationship strong. Praise and show your love for him in many ways. Find things to do together. Bring him surprise or thoughtful items that give that message. Couple the good ideas you get with showers of love!
May the Spirit guide us to help our teenagers figure out who they are and what they really can do. We can help them by filling their needs and helping them learn to be flexible and resilient during hard times. Connor and each of our teens have so much potential and great gifts. Setbacks and hard times build their character, and with our help, they can get through it and turn out better for it!