Mercy and More Love

Last week, I was working on the computer when my 6^th grade son called from across the family room, “Hey, Mom!  Do you want to see my web presentation?  It’s your last chance to see it before it erases.”  “Sure!” I said, though I kept typing.  So he brought the lap top over to the counter near me and opened it up.  It was a web presentation about the island of Fiji, and I turned to look at it with him.  He started through, but I immediately pointed out a misspelled word.  “The teacher doesn’t care about those,” he said.  But I countered with reasons he needs to do excellent work, and fix any errors.  He went on, but when I had the chance, I went back to my typing a little bit—I was almost done, then I could give him my undivided attention, I told myself.  “Mom. You’re not even looking!”  “Yes, I am.  You were busy for a minute,” was my reply. So he went through the rest of it, and I asked questions about it and told him how well he had done.  And that was that.

The next morning, I woke up feeling like I had really messed up.  This boy’s high-school aged siblings were getting so much recognition the past few days, and what about him, seated there in the audience with us over and over?  This Presentation was where I should have given him his share!  I felt awful.  Why didn’t I go and sit next to him on the couch and really experience his view of Fiji with him.  Why did I immediately try to fix things, rather than point out all the amazing photos and set up he had done!  I knew to do that!!  I had learned these things time and again on his 12 older siblings!  Still I messed up!

As I often do, I prayed for a second chance.  Please, let me figure out a way to make this right, and to give this son the praise he deserved!  An idea came!!  I turned to Mark, and told him the story.  “Please,” I asked him, “would you look at his presentation this morning, and make a big deal about it?  I’d be so grateful!”  So later after breakfast, I was able to say, “Mark, you gotta see this presentation on Fiji!  It is amazing!”  He came over and gave his undivided attention (like I should have).  The Lord also gave me a second chance to praise and build up the good in my son.

I often need second chances—I often ask for them in prayer.  Clarity often seems to come to me early in the morning, and that’s when I realize I messed up!  I need another chance to set things right.

1. Sometimes, we all mess up.

It’s not too late for each of us to be an influence in the lives of those we love, Kimberly Allen Eyre teaches us in Family Connections magazine.  Even when we forget or mess up at parenting, the Lord says, “I will restore unto you the years that the locust hath eaten” (Joel 2:25) and “Doubt not, but be believing, and begin as in times of old.” (Mormon 9:27)  He will give us more chances if we pray for them. Apologizing is a great way to soften hearts. An increase of love is always welcomed. And no matter what, we can be an uplift to those around us.

Further, when we realize that we all mess up at times, we can give others another chance.  Kimberly urges us to be an influence for good on other families around us: See a mom in a grocery store who is chewing out her young child? Talk to her, without judgment, asking her how old her child is. Tell her he is beautiful! “He’s done shopping, huh? I know how he feels! I’m tired too!” you might say. By the time you leave, this mom will remember how beautiful her child is, and how exhausted he must be after all. She’ll be filled with more empathy and love, after running into you.

Have a friend confide in you how tough her marriage is? Ask to hear how she and her spouse met, and thus rekindle the love she once felt for him. (Family Connections, p. 5)   Often, I have to pray for another chance to run into a certain person, who I could have treated better.  Sometimes, it’s after they are gone that I remember their name, or remember something I should have asked about, or realize a better way I could have responded.  Many times, after prayer, I do get to interface with them again, and be a better instrument in the Lord’s hands the second time around!

2. Children mess up too.

Sometimes we have to stand firm, and follow through with consequences that are in place.  But there is also a time for mercy. “Blessed are the Merciful, for they shall obtain mercy!” (Matthew 5:7)  We need it, and there are times we need to model it. It takes some wisdom to know when.

My daughter had been working with her little 4-year old girl who still had struggles with potty training.  During one such season of relapse, my daughter grew so frustrated.  There was a Mother/Daughter Tea Party coming up that night, and she told her daughter, you can go if you can keep your underwear nice and dry all day!  She reminded her and reminded her, but late afternoon, there was an accident!  What should she do now?   Her little girl had been so excited to go with her sisters and mom to this special event.  But she had messed up again!!  She had cried and cried after the accident—truly remorseful.  She hadn’t had her nap that day either. “Don’t leave me,” she begged.  After mulling over what to do for some time, my daughter finally took her little girl on her lap and talked to her gently for a little while.  “I know that you didn’t mean to, and I know that you can do better. Do you need one more chance?” she quietly asked her.  “Oh yes!” was her relieved reply. And she had a wonderful time that evening and in the long run, it was okay.

3. Follow Through, but…

I truly believe in follow through.  We parents need to follow through with what we say, so our kids will believe us and take us at our word.  But sometimes, we can tell them, “This is an exception.”  There is a time for mercy and second chances.  “Mercy cannot rob justice,” we are told in the scriptures (Alma 42:25), but sometimes, there is a way for both!

My friend had a daughter whose room was a disaster.  She told her daughter that she couldn’t go to the party that night until it was cleaned up!  But this teenager was having an emotional day.  She kept putting it off until it was time for the party, and she still had way to much too do.  She sat on the couch and bawled.  So my friend went and sat by her.  She smoothed her daughter’s hair for awhile and gradually, this daughter opened up to her and they had a good talk.  Then, this mom told her, “C’mon!  I’ll help you with that room!”  She was late to the party, but she was in much better spirits, and her relationship with her mother was better too!  She felt good about getting it done, and loved as well.

When my kids are trying to meet a deadline, but just don’t quite finish their chores on time, I let them “plead diligence.”  If they were truly diligent at trying to get done, they could have the reward, and finish later.

When all kinds of things go wrong, a parent or aunt or grandparent can be a huge blessing. Especially one who never gives up, and whose comforting, optimistic response is “It will all turn out all right!” I had a Grandma like that, and how I cherished her belief in me when I was in despair.  This is how my Great, Great-Grandfather kept his word, but was kind and merciful too.

William J. Flake, who founded Snowflake 135 years ago, believed a deal is a deal. A handshake was as binding as a written contract. In 1878, he bargained for the land and water rights of James Stinson in the Silver Creek Valley. The purchase became the town site for Snowflake. With a handshake, Flake agreed to deliver, over three years, Utah grade cattle – 200 cows, 150 two-year olds and 200 yearlings. In exchange, Stinson agreed to sell the land, the water rights, farm equipment and six mules.

In 1881 when the last cattle were delivered, Stinson wanted to keep a special saddle mule. Flake said, “No, the mule was in the trade and now belongs to me.”

Stinson acknowledge that was right and invited Flake to cut five cows out of the delivered herd so he could keep his special mule. Flake told him, “No, a deal is a deal and the mule is mine. Pull off your saddle.” With tears in his eyes, Stinson pulled off the saddle and bridle, patted the mule on the neck and handed the end of the rope to Flake and walked away.

William J. Flake stopped him and said, “Stinson, we have done a lot of business in the past three years. For a long time, I have wondered how I could show you my appreciation. I want to present this mule to one of the most honest men I have ever met.” Stinson saddled the mule and rode off without a word.  “A Deal is a Deal” written by my uncle, Garry Flake.

4. A Time for Mercy

One of my high school sons had the chore of cleaning the bathroom.  During that time, I had been frustrated with kids not getting their chores done during the week, so I set the rule that for every day that they didn’t do their chores that week, they had to give 10 minutes working on that chore before going out with friends Friday night.  Even if you spend only 5 minutes each day cleaning the bathroom, I told him, it’s enough.  But if you do none at all, that’s the consequence.  So that Friday night, this son was in the bathroom, with five days of 10-minute segments to catch up on.  He tried to tell me that he had been so busy and that this just wasn’t a good rule, but I stood firm.  I need him to learn to be responsible every day!

It wasn’t until later that I realized the truth.  This son had planned to stay home that night since the movie the gang was watching was not really appropriate.  I’m sure that had been a tough choice for him.  What did he do instead?  Clean the bathroom for 50 minutes!!!  I should have been praising him, instead of punishing him, I realized!  We should have taken him out for hamburgers because we were so proud of him for making that choice–instead of banishing him to the bathroom!  How I wish I had let the consequence slide this time, and played a board game with this son instead!  I don’t remember what ended up happening.  I think I told him I was sorry and how proud I was of him.  But I still can’t believe I didn’t realize that that was a time for mercy!  Maybe I can still have another chance to praise and reward this good son.  I know that it’s never too late for parents to apologize.

So when I mess up, I pray and ask for forgiveness and another chance to handle things better.  And usually the Lord will open up some way for me to try it over.  And in my humbled state, I can be more merciful when my kids mess up too.

That is what the atonement is all about—Jesus suffering for our shortcomings and sins so that we can have another and another chance to learn and try things over!  How grateful I am for that gift!  May we have the wisdom to know which time to stand firm and which time to give a second chance.  Heaven knows, we need them too!

See also the discussion about “Try it Over” at https://theanswerismorelove.com/2015/07/back-door-approach-part-2/ and “When to Let it Go” at  https://theanswerismorelove.com/2015/01/when-to-let-it-go/

Thanks for reading.  I’d love your examples and comments below!