Teamwork!
The other day, my daughter called me, “Help! I made a big mistake! I need help fixing it!” She told me she had often asked her two young boys, “Who wants to be first?” Inadvertently, she had encouraged her older son to be competitive—often at younger brother’s expense! How could she rid her home of such competition? She wanted ideas for a Family Home Evening on the subject. Here’s what I came up with:
1. Two World Views:
I remembered being taught in college about two different world views: a vertical view or a horizontal one. In the vertical view, all people are stacked in a vertical line, one on top of each other. To move up, you must push someone else down. Everyone struggles, and all in a competition to see who come be at the top. The horizontal view, on the other hand, has all people in a horizontal line, holding hands. Whenever one person moves up, all people move up too!
I suggested to this daughter that she cut out paper dolls, the kind that are connected at the hands and open up with many in a line. She could make another set that are connected at the feet, that show all the paper dolls vertically. She could then describe these two ways of treating those around us, and describe how awful it is to have to climb over other people to make us better! It makes them sad or mad or even hurts them! On the other hand, when we hold hands with people, we help them. So when we have something good happen to us, we share the joy with everyone! Which way do we like best? Which way does our Savior like best?
This could be illustrated by a story, for instance about three children playing playdough. (Have each child make a playdough animal before the story.) The vertical way could have one child saying, “I made my playdough animal first! I am the best! You two are slower than me!” Or, have the animals climb on top of each other in a vertical line. The horizontal way has one child saying to the other two, “I like your playdough elephant, and I like your playdough fish, and I like my playdough giraffe too!” All three are good!
2. The Mote and the Beam.
We could teach that the Savior taught us a parable (or story) about a mote and a beam in Matthew 7:3-5. Then we could show a tiny portion of a toothpick for the mote and a 2×4 piece of wood for the beam. One person could put the mote close to his eye, and the other one could hold a beam in front of their eye. How silly it would be for the person with a beam blocking his sight to try to pull out the tiny mote from someone else. That would be like saying, “I am the best, and I am better than you!” We learn to stop looking at things others do wrong, and start working on our own mistakes first. All of us have good things we do and not so good, and we all need to love everyone the same and help each other be happy.
3. Take a Break.
A family might consider a break from competitive games. If things are getting out of hand, we could simply put away the Wii or the games for awhile. When we feel ready to try again, we could explain exactly what we are looking for in teamwork, and see if we can all practice that ideal.
4. Us vs. the Opposition, not Us vs. Us!
When we have a problem to solve at home, I like to make a chart or set up a challenge. But I have learned through the years not to have Contests. Rather than, “the one with the most stars gets a treat,” I have learned to say, “When our family reaches 25 stars, we’ll all get a treat!” That encourages us to all work together toward a common goal, and the “bad guy” is the dirty socks on the family room floor or the teeth left unbrushed—not each other!
See also: https://theanswerismorelove.com/2014/10/us-vs-the-opposition-instead-of-us-vs-us/
5. The Golden Rule.
Some of my kids mixed up this rule to be: “Do unto others what THEY DID to you!” I have had to emphasize, “Do unto others what you would WANT them to you.” I, myself, have struggled to see the other team’s point of view in a sporting event. But I don’t like the negative feelings that surface toward the other team, so I remind myself that these rival players all have mothers who love their sons too!
If we truly internalized the golden rule, it would be a yardstick to measure all behavior. “What would Jesus have me do” would be our constant goal. If we teach this doctrine to our children often, it will help the contention in our home. The principle we are hoping they will learn to internalize is empathy for the other person. If our kids could learn to walk in another’s shoes for awhile, and feel what they feel, we have succeeded!
See also Parenting with the Spirit: The Answer is More Love chapter 8, “Living the Golden Rule,” page 91.
6. Teamwork.
What is the opposite of Competition? Teamwork! My son’s family, after each family prayer, yells, “Go, Team Ellingson!” What a great reminder of working together as a team! I recently ran into a great story about two brothers and their teamwork. When one brother forgets his team jersey, the other one sacrifices his own, to let his brother play the championship game. It’s a great story of love rather than competition among family members. See N. Christopher, “My Brother’s Jersey” New Era, December 2012. https://www.lds.org/new-era/2012/12/loving-your-siblings/my-brothers-jersey?lang=eng&_r=1
A team jersey is a great visual aid of “taking upon us His name” and being on the Savior’s team. We really do take upon us His name when we are baptized and every time we take the sacrament. Do we show by the way we act that we are on His team? Do we let Him be our coach?
7. “You Go First”
For very young kids, like my daughter’s, besides teaching the doctrine and the gospel concepts, we also have to give them words to say. We must train them to get good habits going, so the thoughts of kindness, lifting others, humility rather than pride will fill in later. A good phrase to prompt them with is, “You go first!” in fact, she could put up a chart that reads, “You Go First!” with a sticker to reinforce whenever anyone says it. By the time the family reaches 25 stickers, hopefully saying “You go first” will have begun to be a habit. If not, putting up a new chart with a new goal of 40 stickers this time might do the trick. (Some moms get frustrated with an enthusiastic child who says “You go first” 15 times the first day, as it is so contrived! But hey, that child is hearing and saying just what we want, and so what if it is forced—hopefully, it still will stick! And who minds a treat really soon!)
My boys are much older than these grandsons, but I still occasionally prompt them to say. “You go first.” Competition seems to be a natural response. Mark and I both remember a point in our teenage lives, when we made a conscious decision to turn away from competition. Mark was an amazing high school athlete. But there came a point where he was fed up with so much competition: “It just didn’t feel right anymore.” I, too, got caught up in a church basketball game, and the ref—a girl who I admired—came up to me afterward and said quietly, “You took it too far today.” It was a wake-up call for me, and I determined never to let it happen again.
May we help turn away the Natural Man and make our homes havens for everyone—even the child who is not competitive. May we be a Family Team, one who helps all members to lift each other. e